"WIG"ING OUT

Well, the divorce is officially finalized as of January 29th. I noticed the email first and told her about it. Then we held each other and cried. She was never really happy with me. The signs were always there. I remember people asking us about divorce a lot. I never really thought about why that was. Her answer was always, "I dont believe in better, just different". After separation several people who know us both would say they were surprised we lasted so long. She has been complaining about me in ways beyond the normal venting for about 15 years. And though I am not saying she was always perfect I was far from that myself. I do not feel it would be proper or fair to discuss my grievances with her here. But as I have been looking at my contributions to the divorce (beyond transitioning) Here are some things I did to contribute. I was often grumpy. And though it felt reasonable for one reason or another, I am recognizing now that  I always seemed to place the source of my anger somewhere else. But it came from living so inauthentically and hiding something so big all the time. "The X" also made an interesting point recently. She said that all our major problems stem from this one big lie. when she wanted me to come to bed with her and I rarely did because I was "cross dressing". When we argued about finances because I had feminine pucrases I was hiding. When she would express her needs and I just felt attacked and just defended myself. This feeling was coming from a place of shame. I was feeling shame about my desire to be a woman and so I was unable to hear her concern and just felt shame piling onto shame and got defensive instead of hearing and seeing her. I was also not present for my family. . I was there, but always with this burden in the back of my mind. A big mental load my brain was dealing with behind the scenes. Now I can Stop trying and just be. It has freed up a lot of mental energy. I am committing more to my kids. I still have a long way to go. And just like my masculine traits, there is a lot of programming to undo with my parenting. But I am trying to not waist more time than I already have in my life.

I have also noticed I seem to have a monthly cycle. This is "fun". I am tracking my emotions every day for a while to confirm my suspicions. But after the end of last month when I was so sad I just figured it was the holidays and all that stuff I said in the "Words fail" blog post. Till the end of last month rolled around and about the exact same day of the month I was sad again. But for no obvious reason this time. The sadness lasted about a week and then I was fine again one day. So, I'll track my emotions a few more months to be sure, buuuttt..... Estrogen is a powerful thing.

My hair is also growing in a lot from when I started. Last year I shaved my head bald as my look. I did this because it was a manly look I could hide behind, while easily wearing a wig in private. It was also super low Matanane. After I decided to come out to my wife I went with a mowhawk. I don't exactly remember my reasoning. I think it had something to do with me being able to grow my hair out and still have a low maintenance hair cut I could do myself.  But with my thinning hair, it did not look great. I moved to wearing a wig in public and fell in love with how much more feminine I looked! But Wigs in my price range are not super convincing. And difficult to pull out of the way without messing them up. But now my hair is long enough for a more feminine style. It is not super feminine with my masculine features. But it is good enough for now and I can go back and forth between a wig and my natural hair depending on my mood for the day.  So my takeaway for any closeted trans girlies reading this, do not cut your hair if you even think you might be thinking about coming out. Other things you can start to do while closeted, or as first steps to looking a bit more feminine are: 

1- Ditch your two in one (or even three in one) shampoo. You need a separate shampoo and conditioner. This will help your hair look shiny and be healthy. 

2- Put lotion on your face (if not your arms, legs, feet and hands as well) in the morning and evening.

3- This one wont help you look more feminine. Just save you money. Do not purchase expensive clothing. Your style will change and is likely not as great as you think it is at first. Avoid the urge to get a new wardrobe all at once. Go thrifting till you get a handle on things. Your welcome!

4- Get your brows threaded or waxed. I'm not sure why, but a lot of trans girls don't think of this curtail component to a feminine face.