FATHERS DAY...

 Lets start with the good things, I am  officially and legally JENNA NICOLE! perhaps now I don't need to deal with thinly veiled transphobia.  You would be surprised how many people who use nick names would tell me they refuse to call me Jen just because it was not my "legal name". 😒 Guess they will need to think of another reason now, and perhaps even go inward a little when they realize the legality of my name does not make them want to use it any more than they did before. 

I also had a rare bout of dysphoria shortly after my last post. I felt like I would never look feminine and always be that awkward trans person (to be fair... duh... that is and always will be me). All my fears pre transition that held me back for decades came to the surface again. 

I think it may have been sparked by a dream i had where I was 3 years into transition. My hair was long, my voice was affirming, i had curves. I was passing and it was wonderful. I lost hope for that future. This may seem weird but I think my confidence is shaking my confidence. I feel like I've been so confident in my Presentation these days that now I'm worried about how I'm perceived despite my confidence. Or in other words I'm questioning whether my confidence is deserved. By the end of the week I started to really feel the loss of those who have chosen to cut me out of their life's. I did not feel worthy of love from anyone.  And the pain I have caused my X. And the pain Im causing my children. 

Enter fathers day... Fathers day was a tricky emotionally charged day at my house. Here is the backstory for context... First, Im sure the kids have hurt on the day. And I am not 100% sure what I want out of the day. I have told my kids I will always be their dad and they can call me dad as long as they want to. As of now they all do. Plus, If it is easier for them emotionally to celebrate me on that day Im for that. So fathers day seems fitting. My X has expressed that she does not want to share mothers day with me and I respect that.  There is also a holiday in November called trans parent day that I would prefer, but my youngest feels it is too close to her birthday and does not want me celebrating so close to her day. So for now it appears Im stuck with fathers day. So with all that, lets get back to the day... Remember, I am in a super emotionally charged place where I feel abandoned and unworthy of love. My eldest is in Paris and did text me happy fathers day. That helped a lot! But my other kids seem to want nothing to do with celebrating me. ***TRIGGER WARNING: from here out there will be talk of suicidal ideation. Please do not read portions in red text if you are not in an emotional place to handle talk of S.I.***  This spiraled me into a darker place. In the past my kids have always been my reason for sticking around. And now for the first time, I was feeling that they would also be better off without me. Coupled with all the other abandonment I was feeling, and the hopelessness in my transition I didnt feel like I had any longevity with living. After sobbing in the back yard for an hour or so in a failed attempt to ground myself with nature to feel better. I remembered that happy me knew this may have been a rough day and came up with a plan to help sad me connect with my kids. So I took all my kids who were willing, to get shakes. Then we came back and I rented the new Ghostbusters movie to watch with the kids. After that, My son said, "when can I give you your present". He gave me a living lilly! So Shortly after fathers day my emotions leveled out again and Im good till my next cycle. And my cycle is not normally this bad. I think fathers day had a big effect.

So, transition still has a lot of ups and downs. The downs mostly come from social issues. But Im no longer a ghost haunting my own life anymore! Ill leave you with a poem about my name change and a progress pic.

In the tapestry of life, names hold a powerful thread. An image of Identity. In a world where names are woven tight, my soul seeks to set things right. A name is not a label, it’s a reflection of self.

In the whispers of the wind and the songs of the trees, I find gratitude for the name that was gifted to me. A melody of letters, A symphony of sound. A precious gift from my parents. Truly profound. In each syllable a story unfolds. A legacy passed down, in letters so bold. A name that carries history and pride. A beacon of identity, a source and a guide.

In the quiet chambers of my soul, there is a whisper soft and low. A realization dawns on me, a truth Ive come to know. The name Ive carried for so long, A cherished part of me. Now beckons for change. A transformation to match me. With memories intertwined in this tapestry, I have journeyed far and wide with this name that defended me. But seasons shift and winds of change blow strong, I feel the calling deep within to embrace a name that is far more longed.

Retiring a precious name is like shedding an old skin. A metamorphosis of self, a new chapter to begin. For in choosing a new name I reclaim my truest essence. A name that resonates with me. A name of recompense. With courage as my compass and hope as my guide, I bid farewell to the old, with gratitude and pride. Embracing the unknown with a heart that's open wide, I choose a new name. A reflection of me inside.

In the dance of transition, I find liberations grace. A rebirth of identity, a new name to embrace. So here I stand at dawns new flame. Retiring a precious name to find my souls refrain. To change my name, to make it right. To align the soul, to shine more bright. A battle within, a struggle so real. To unveil the essence I truly feel. In letters and sounds, A meaning profound. A name is a treasure in which our essence is found

My chosen name, a beacon of hope! A symbol of courage. A way to help cope. In letters and sounds, my identity found. A name so empowering, a resounding sound. Names bind us together in a tapestry grand. The power of a name in its grace and light, my soul finds strength to take flight. The journey is daunting, the path is unclear. But step by step I will persevere. Through doubt and fear I will find my way. To live my truth, come what may.

So honor my journey, my truth so dear. My chosen name Jen, a victory clear. In a world that may not always understand. Let love and acceptance guide us. Hand in hand.