Ben or Jen?

Sorry folks,   trigger warning again. This post speaks about suicidal ideation. So practice self care and decide if reading this post is right for you. If you are experiencing suicidal thoughts please  CALL 988   or seek help. I have links to the left.    I wake up in the morning and put on my face. The one that will get me through another day.  I put on my false confidence so I can feel alive. It is easy to fake a smile when you have been doing it for so long.  It doesn't really matter how I feel inside. This way they can't hurt me anymore.... I was at a point once again where I felt it would be better to be dead than trans. That feeling ebbs and flows. It is usually brought on by strained relationships that I value and don't see hope of them working out anymore, or super intense gender dysphoria that brings the feeling that I will never be able to be feminine enough. Or that I am just a huge genetic mistake, and if there is a God that ...

 Well, I went to the pride parade and after party. it.... was.... AMAZING! It felt so good to be with people who know my struggle, or support my people. I felt no judgement and saw the whole trans fem spectrum. from my body type all the way to stealth, and everything in between. I wanted to live there. It was so unapologetically queer! It made me feel normal for the first time in my life. My most touching moment was when I saw a dad there with his trans teen. This dad had a dress-shirt tucked into his levis, with a little bottle of sunscreen attached with a carabiner to a belt loop and a conservative hair cut. SO not queer. In fact, he looked confused a lot. But he was there with his kid supporting them. It was so  heartwarming to see! On another note, I also came out to my boss. I have had a bit of anxiety because I work with kids and with the political water we are swimming in lots of people have the misconception that trans people are trying to "indoctrinate" all the kids ...