ENTER THE DARKNESS

Sorry folks,  trigger warning again. This post speaks about suicidal ideation. So practice self care and decide if reading this post is right for you. If you are experiencing suicidal thoughts please CALL 988  or seek help. I have links to the left. 

 I wake up in the morning and put on my face. The one that will get me through another day.  I put on my false confidence so I can feel alive. It is easy to fake a smile when you have been doing it for so long.  It doesn't really matter how I feel inside. This way they can't hurt me anymore.... I was at a point once again where I felt it would be better to be dead than trans. That feeling ebbs and flows. It is usually brought on by strained relationships that I value and don't see hope of them working out anymore, or super intense gender dysphoria that brings the feeling that I will never be able to be feminine enough. Or that I am just a huge genetic mistake, and if there is a God that loves me, why would they make me so irreparably broken. My thought process last weekend was a bit of all 3. With this hell raging in my head on day 2, I stepped outside to run an errand and saw a brilliant sunset that made the clouds a vibrant pink and blue. In that moment I felt like God was telling me that I am loved exactly as I am. Then I got in the car and my rational brain kicked in. I started to think "it was just a stupid sunset. They are pink and blue all the time". And no sooner did I think that, a song started playing. It was "that's enough" by Brandon Heath (link on the left). That meant so much to me in my moment of anguish. I am grateful for tender mercies. The funk cleared up a bit after that and another day of crying in bed.

Here are some of the thoughts and modified songs that ran through my head in the funk. 


I can hold my breath. I can bite my tongue. I can stay this way for days if thats what you want. Be your number one. I can fake a smile. And I can force a laugh. I can dance and play the part if thats what you ask. I'll give you all that I am. I can do it. I can turn it on and be your male machine. I can hold the weight of worlds if thats what you need. I'll be your every thing. Ill get through it. But I m only human and I bleed when I fall down and I crash when I break down. Your words in my head are knives in my heart. I try my best then I fall apart cause Im only human. 


Look at me. Who am I supposed to be and what do I believe? Can you tell me? Since you've made up your mind, and know what you believe.  I just don't know who I'm supposed to be. Am I the image of your hopes and tragedies? A constant reminder of all your pain and roads not traveled? Will I ever be more than just a memory, or an image that never really was? Because  all I am is me.


I walk this road alone.  I wish you could see that I am afraid of being who I am because I don't want to disappoint you. I dont know if we can get along. You've never felt like me before, and every word I say is wrong. I dont know who I'm supposed to be. It's never been that easy to be someone like me. Sometimes I feel there's nothing I should hide. I hope for love and understanding and feel beautiful inside. I'm still holding on and am brave as it gets easier to be me. I can face today and wait for the day where no one's left behind and no one's left for wanting.  Where we're all full of love and understanding, and beautiful inside.


I think it sucks that you're perfect because you're not perfect for me. And though you kill me with kindness, It's not the kind that I need. I know we look good on paper. Until you give us a read. Because when we pull back the curtains There not a whole lot to see. I don't want to love you but I do. I want to need you but I can't. I begged my heart not to race when I'm kissing you. And I'm not trying to change you. I know that's not in the cards. I know there's somebody out there to love you just as you are. When you finally find that someone who fits you right, you'rе gonna see I couldn't be him no matter how hard I try.  I can't  stay forever, so goodbye is the only way.





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