Ben or Jen?

 I typically think to blog most when I am in distress. It is therapeutic for me. But please know my life is mostly full of contentment and joy. I still feel the levels of Joy I started experiencing when I first started being authentic. In addition, I am also able to be more open and honest in my dealings with... well... everyone! I have started to learn more healthy habits,  coping skills and communication skills. My body is not what I want it to be. But whos is at my age? I have realistic goals and expectations and am learning to appreciate things about my amazing body rather than always focusing on the things out of my control.  Sometimes I still present masculine. I do this for several reasons. First. . . Its a time thing. It takes me an hour and a half  👏MIN👏I👏MUM  to start to look like most women do when they wake up. Second. . . Sometimes I just want to do my errands without being the center of attention everywhere I go. I catch the side glances and the...

Perhaps I'm non binary... After all, I came out as non binary initially. Did I jump into hormones too quickly? I went from coming out and starting to finally come to terms with my gender dysphoria to starting HRT within 9 months. I wanted nothing more than to develop breasts when I started HRT. And now that I am, it concerns me that I may not always want them and I will always just bounce back and forth between longing for them and hating them.  Perhaps I will always live in that place between and I need to find what I want from both worlds to maximize my joy. Do I want a beard that I can grow when I'm feeling manly and just deal with hating stubble when I'm feeling feminine? Or continue to laser it off so I can have smoother skin with less irritation and redness from shaving daily when I am feminine. Guys don't need beards to look masculine after all. Or perhaps I am a cross dresser and I don't need my own breasts. Perhaps I can just continue using my shapewear (or...

T rigger warning again. This post speaks about suicidal ideation. So practice self care and decide if reading this post is right for you. If you are experiencing suicidal thoughts please  CALL 988   or seek help. I have links to the left.   Also, Im totally unsure why this post is highlighted. The best I could do is try and match the background color. Sorry...    This time last year I was full of so much hope and excited to finally be open about my experiences with my life long battle in gender dysphoria. I am entering this year with freshly filed divorce papers,  existential dread and identity crisis. Christmas was bitter sweet as I knew it was the last one we would celebrate as the family unit we are all used to. And for my wife I feel like Christmas is forever tainted by me coming out after Christmas last year. New years eve was a combination of wanting to not feel anything and crying over all I will loose in 2024. I feel like I am in a loose loose situa...