LIFE IS GOOD DESPITE THE CHALLENGES

 I typically think to blog most when I am in distress. It is therapeutic for me. But please know my life is mostly full of contentment and joy. I still feel the levels of Joy I started experiencing when I first started being authentic. In addition, I am also able to be more open and honest in my dealings with... well... everyone! I have started to learn more healthy habits,  coping skills and communication skills. My body is not what I want it to be. But whos is at my age? I have realistic goals and expectations and am learning to appreciate things about my amazing body rather than always focusing on the things out of my control. 

Sometimes I still present masculine. I do this for several reasons. First. . . Its a time thing. It takes me an hour and a half  👏MIN👏I👏MUM to start to look like most women do when they wake up. Second. . . Sometimes I just want to do my errands without being the center of attention everywhere I go. I catch the side glances and the stares. I notice the whispers. And I just want to be able to blend in. I want to be more than just that trans person. Third. . . Some days I am having more dysphoria with my body image. And try as I might, I can not seem to find "her" in the mirror. It does not help that women's clothes are designed to fit a mold that my body does not conform to. And women's clothing is also more revealing than men's. So on days I am having body issues it is nice to be able to retreat into my masculinity rather than just stay home and avoid like I used to. Fourth. . . this goes along with my second issue a bit, but bathroom issues. Sometimes I just dont want to worry about needing to use a restroom while Im out and about. No matter what bathroom I choose I am on display and being judged. So with all that in mind, what do you do when you see me out and about presenting masculine? Remember, all trans people are different, so this will not go for all of us. But I prefer to still be gendered as She/Her and called Jen. I very much look forward to the day that the hormones, vocal training and exercise work their magic and even when Im presenting masculine it is easier for others to see "her".  But until then, please use your imagination with me.

Women's spaces are another place that brings me joy. I truly recognize that I have a completely different life experience from cisgendered women. So I feel a bit odd in women's spaces at times. I don't want to come across as ignorant and worry about coming across as "mansplany" at times when I contribute. And though I have not come across one yet, I do worry about running into a T.E.R.F. But I have been included in some women's spaces, and it makes my heart sing with joy to be in them. And though we do not have a totally shared life experience when it comes to patriarchal systems and trauma, I have yet to feel judged, irrelevant, or less than in any of them. I have some pretty amazing women in my life! 💖

I also recognize my place of privlige within the transgender community. I have a job that fully supports me. I have not been assaulted. I have great support from some wonderful people in my life. And though I have lost some people in my life who choose to cut ties with me, I only need one hand to count the people from my inner circle of family and close friends who no longer want a relationship with me.

Another healing thing I did recently while in a meditative state was that I wrote a letter to the man I used to be. I have expressed here that while in my meditative states, He rises and my anxiety becomes overwhelming. This has been a staunch switch from my inital meditative confirmations. Well, the confrontation with "him" was not as bad this last time. And I dont know where I got the idea for the letter, but it was extremely healing.  I have decided to post it at the end of this post because I did not want a trigger warning darkening the doorstep of the start of this post. And despite the trigger warning that is to come, it really is a joyful letter in my mind. I am also ready to populate my blog with pictures of my progress in older posts as relevant. Not sure if "populate" is the best word for it yet as I dont know how many pics I will add. There were a LOT of fashion fails in the beginning. And Im not scarred to share them as much as I dont know where the context of the posts will make sense for pictures yet. (UPDATE: they are in "just beautiful" and "Im here and Im queer").  I have also decided to add a donation space to the left of the page where you can help support me in my transition directly, or support other worthy causes that help with the LGBTQIA2S+ community. It has come to my attention that insurance does not want to cover anything beyond hormones. And the medical field being what it is I truly have no hope of ever affording much more than hair removal. And even that will take years to start at my income level. Yes I plan on doing something to make more income, but that will likely just compensate for the income that recently got sabotaged by my divorce. To be clear, my income was not sabatauged by my soon to be x. But just the financial shift in my new situation. And with that awkward plea for help, I will end this otherwise "amazing"  blog post after the letter. Never to speak of money again... 

As promised here is the Trigger warning. This letter eludes to suicide. So practice self care and decide if reading this post is right for you. If you are experiencing suicidal thoughts please CALL 988  or seek help. I have links to the left.

Dear Ben,

Do you remember When  you were a kid, you always worried about death. You would stress and obsess till you decided to take it to God and find out when you would die…. 40…. Oddly enough this brought instant peace. Your young mind thought that by then you would be “so old”.  And all your best years and milestones would be behind you. Graduate high school, CHECK. Go on a Mission, CHECK. Get married, CHECK….. Your wife has an odd dream where you are not there at your eldest’s wedding… hmmm….. Have children, CHECK. Things are lining up from other aspects your wife's dream to an odd specificity. Three blond haired kids followed by a sassy little burnet  and the ache of a lost child. You always had it in the back of your mind, but really start to realize there may be more to your wife's dream. You may miss some milestones.   Time passes so quickly and the dream becomes lost to time. Before you know it you were 39 and you started to fade.  That was the first time you thought you needed to die and actually came up with a plan. A few pills and you would die before you were 40. You succeeded.....

Do you remember worrying about what you said and how you sat, and how you reacted to every situation with your first though, “will this seem too girly.” With the constant pressure to push me so deep inside that nobody would suspect a hint that I was there. But I was always there. I was that constant scratching at the back of your head… That one you never talked about and hid with flushed cheeks.

I'm not sure if this letter should be an apology or a celebration. I am taking your daddy daughter dances at weddings. The ones you always looked forward to with such bitter sweet anticipation as you danced with your toddlers.  I'm taking Your siblings big brother, always there to protect. I am taking your helpful muscles. Your children's pride in a father. The name you have in common with your Father and your Son. And remember  your wife's sparkle in her eyes when she looked at you?  That also left when you died.

I'm sorry this process is so slow. And all you can do is watch and wonder if you ever had a place….. You do… And you always will….. Never forget that.

Yours with Love,

Jen

P.S.

I don't hate you anymore.