THE EVER SWIRLING TOURMENT OF DOUBT

Perhaps I'm non binary... After all, I came out as non binary initially. Did I jump into hormones too quickly? I went from coming out and starting to finally come to terms with my gender dysphoria to starting HRT within 9 months. I wanted nothing more than to develop breasts when I started HRT. And now that I am, it concerns me that I may not always want them and I will always just bounce back and forth between longing for them and hating them.  Perhaps I will always live in that place between and I need to find what I want from both worlds to maximize my joy. Do I want a beard that I can grow when I'm feeling manly and just deal with hating stubble when I'm feeling feminine? Or continue to laser it off so I can have smoother skin with less irritation and redness from shaving daily when I am feminine. Guys don't need beards to look masculine after all. Or perhaps I am a cross dresser and I don't need my own breasts. Perhaps I can just continue using my shapewear (or "placeholders" as I call them) and shaving when I need to be feminine even if it is daily for months at a time. That will save me lots of money in hair removal. It has even been suggested by someone on the internet that likes to read that I may have Autogynephilia. Sometimes being feminine can be arousing, so is that what I need to address?  Or perhaps it was hypnosis? When I was praying in my youth to wake up as a girl, I eventually gave up on that and moved on to "at least let me dream I am a girl and remember the dream in the morning". Well in recent years, I have on occasion fallen asleep to "unlock your female energy" type audio "hypnosis" files. I did this in hopes to encourage those elusive dreams god rarely if ever gave me in my youth and beyond.  I never really put much stock into hypnosis. Especially hypnosis found on YouTube. And even in the camp where we are assuming it does work, in order for it to work  you need to be receptive to the message anyway. And that begs the question of what lead me to those files in the first place....    Or perhaps my mind is in turmoil with all the changes I am going through personally with my body, on top of my shifting relationships and loss of financial security and fears for the future.  I hear about trans friends being assaulted at least once a week. Add in worrying about what bathroom to use when Im presenting feminine. Do I pick the bathroom where I get assaulted, or the one where I get yelled at? And then there is all the legislation that could potentially affect me in the future. There are politicians who are calling for the "eradication" of trans people. Which brings me to my next thought. Am I just retreating into masculinity and wanting to keep a space for "him" out of fear? Or the peace that comes from being able to blend in and not get stared at while im out and about. I worry about being reduced to just being "that trans person". Or perhaps it is just out of 40 years of conditioning.  

What do I know? I know that having my nails and makeup done makes me happy! Wearing cute clothes makes me happy! Looking down and seeing the POV of a woman makes me super happy! If i could choose to have been born a female, or transitioned earlier i would without a second thought. Presenting female feels so authentic and great till I see my profile or get called He/Him/Sir in public. That is when the spiral of doubt sometimes kicks in. I started this post in a very negative head space on the tail of my last post. I had all these negative thoughts swirling in my brain. But for the last 2 weeks I have been back to my happy chipper Jen. I occasionally feel in limbo because I am in limbo. As a friend said recently, "Slow motion shape changing is hard". I believe that once I am on the other side I will be more regulated. In fact, as I notice changes I feel better and better each day! I see pictures of trans women after 2 years and realize it is a process that takes time. The destination may feel too far to walk. But there is no need to run. I will get there as long as I am moving in that direction. All I need to do now is keep moving and enjoy the scenery along the way. Because I will only cross this path once and I don't want to miss anything! Even the rocky parts of this path are important in building my stamina so I can more fully enjoy the view from the top of the mountain I am on.

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