I AM A WOMAN

 Trigger warning. This post speaks about suicidal ideation. Not my own, Im in a really good place mentally. But it is a topic here for a bit while I get on my soap box in the first 2 paragraphs (marked with *) and get into statistics. So practice self care and decide if reading those paragraphs is right for you. If you are experiencing suicidal thoughts please CALL 988  or seek help. I have links to the left. 

* I've had a lot of interesting thoughts and conversations this month. One person was so bold as to point out that I should just de-transition because if I don't learn to be happy as a man, I'm going to end up shall we say... on a self created trip to the great beyond. This propaganda warrior and self appointed "expert" was happy to tell me all the statistics that post transition un-aliving does not decrease. First of all, allow me to say this is not factual at all. There are accredited studies to back me up. Don't take my word on it, but I don't have the energy to do your homework for you. Just make sure your source is not biased. The leading cause of de-transition  or un-aliving among post transition trans people is.... (drum roll).... social stigma and the lack of a support system. The same things these anti trans propagandists spread while convincing their audience they are just being "loving" and they just "want the best for trans people" and that "facts don't care about anyone's feelings".

* De-transitioners range from 1 to 8% of the trans population and covers people permanently de-transitioning, as well as people temporarily not actively transitioning due to lack of means for care. So considering that peoples regret rate for say.... heart surgery, is 15 to 25 percent. Id say transitioning is a pretty solid and helpful plan for those experiencing gender dysphoria. This is not to discredit the experience or pain of those who de transitioned. They also deserve support and transitioning should never be entered into lightly. As for suicide, unfortunately the risk is pretty high. Even post transition. It rides around 40% of the trans community. But again, it is largely fueled by a lack of support and medical care. I believe the 40% also counts anyone who has attempted suicide and failed. Many who are glad today that they failed. Furthermore, we don't have the numbers of people who never came out and just ended things without trying to transition. And it scares me to think how close I came to being in that unrecognized statistic.

I think this is a perfect time to remind my readers that I do not represent all trans people. And though what you are reading is my current thought process, I hold the right to change my mind as I ponder things and gain new experiences/information. With that said, a person close to me said something a couple months back that has been living in my head rent free and giving me thoughts to reflect on. They said, " You are not a woman. You will never be a woman. And there is nothing you can do to change that". I totally recognize that I will never be a cisgender woman. And that is a fact that can still cause pain on occasion. But even then, it mostly boils down to social reasons and a lack of acceptance. I totally recognize that my experience and a ciswoman's experience are different. And for that reason sometimes in the most accepting cis women circles I am treated as an "other" or judged even if not intentionally. Those moments for example can be a time when not being Cisgendered can sting. Or when I need to justify or explain something about my gender to someone. Or when I am working on my voice. Which I am only doing to give more feminine social cues and would not need to do if I were Cisgendered. Or when I can't find cute shoes in my size. Or when i cant pull off the cute outfit. Or when i think about my slim romantic options as a trans woman. Or when I feel like I need makeup to even be considered as a woman by society where a cisgender woman can go makeup free without the same problems. That is not to say society doesn't suck when it comes to beauty standards with women.... But if I want less of a chance of being misgendered I 100% need makeup where my x wife (for instance) does not.

That all said, overall I am coming to terms with being a transgender woman and not a Cisgender woman. The more I am able to feel comfortable and feminine in my skin, the easier it is to be fulfilled in life. I recognize that I am very privliged to have an amazing social support system in place. My job is supportive and affirming, everyone I live with is supportive or trying. I have friend groups that are supportive and affirming. My parents seem to be legitimately trying. My one brother and his family are super supportive. The people I come across in public are overall polite to my face at least. And don't intentionally misgender me. That is not to say I don't get misgendered. Or that it doesn't sting and take me out of my confidence at times.  I have started winking at people I catch staring at me if I dont think it will be dangerous. But overall I kind of tune it out these days. So I don't know if it is happening less, or if I am just accustomed to it.

  I can confirm that to my experience the statistics I mentioned earlier about social stigma are true. When I am at my darkest, it is typically because I feel I will never be feminine enough to pass. But not because I don't pass,  because not passing causes social pain in one way or another. From lost loved ones choosing to shun me, or from being stared at, or being misgendered and thrown into a mental place were I suddenly feel masculine. Or from simply not knowing the things a woman of my age has known for decades and getting overwhelmed with trying to catch up on makeup and hair and then add transitioning my voice and unlearning mannerisms that I masked with for so long. But ultimately it NEVER comes from transitioning. I do not regret transitioning. Transitioning has made me generally happier and at more peace than I can remember ever having! 

So,  I know I am not a Cisgendered woman. But Inside my heart and mind I know that I am a woman. I don't know how or why my body is unaligned with my emotions and mind. But I always have been like this for as far back as I can remember. 

 Looking back on the last year or so it can be hard to measure change when it happens so gradually. But thankfully I have been taking nsfw monthly progress pictures. And looking at them I can see the changes from month 1 to today. One thing that I am most pleased with is my weight loss. When I started loosing weight 67 lbs ago my target weight was 2-5 lbs heavier than I am now.  I thought my high school weight was a pipedream and I thought if I ever got to my original target It would be a miracle. I am not only lighter than my initial target, but looking back at my drivers licenses I am also lighter than I was 15 years ago! And at my current rate of loss, I will be at my high school weight within 10 months! Seeing my progress with this and other aspects of my transition over the last year gives me joy hope for my future!