DARK NIGHT OF THE SOUL

So don't let the title deceive you, This post is full of joy and growth. But part of that came from a rough 30 min or so at 2am one night during a reflective sacrament... So to start off, my 2nd surgery got moved up! Instead of November 15th, it is now August 12th (TOMORROW AT 7:30 AM!) This is the first big irreversible thing in my transition. But i have been at peace and very excited about it. Today my excitement drops to 95% occasionally as nerves set in. But Im still mostly at 100% excitement! The only 3 concerns I have had are; one of convenience when camping or at a gross toilet. Second is what parts any future partner may have and how i may want to interact with those parts. And the very smallest concern is that of future me wanting to de-transition. All are considerations that I have held close and believe the reward outweighs the risks and concerns. In the past when I interacted with my partners parts, I usually imagined our parts were switched during the process. And I very much doubt I will de-transition. This particular surgery has a lower egret rate than literally ANY other surgery out there. And I am not leaping into this lightly. But don't know entirely what the future holds. Hell, I never thought I would transition, or get divorced, or leave the mormon church etc... But even these concerns are quite small. This has been something I have wanted for as long as I can remember. I remember in 3rd grade finding out it was possible and asking my mom about it on the porch with popsicles one evening after school. And in my teen years I sought out a medical book in the library that discussed it briefly that I read through that portion. Though it always felt unrealistic because of the price, and the healing process was so overwhelming to think about (not to mention the whole "ugly woman" thing floating in my head for so much of my life). So I always thought about it in terms of, "well if I could wake up tomorrow with one I'd love that. But I cant handle the cost, or the maintenance". And growing up I always sold myself on the idea that my parts were better because of the camping and porta poty advantages. So it is not a mystery why that is probably the hardest thing for me to let go of. It was a HUGE part of how I coped with my body when I was younger.  I think my actual biggest "concern" currently is the sentimentality of it. I know this may seem odd, but there is something nostalgic coming up with making this change. I believe it has a lot to do with slightly feeling like I am betraying a part of my body that has always been healthy and served me well. It is like a friend who has always been there for me and now Im choosing to cut them out of my life forever because at no fault of the friends, they remind me of something sad. 

I did have a really deep soul search about this in a psilocybin sacrament recently.  I was a bit nostalgic, (as described above) but I mostly felt super excited and good about the coming change. Unrelated to that, but entirely related to the name of the blog post (finally)... at one point I  got lost in the mirror for a while and dysphoria came back with a vengeance and kicked my ass for about 30 min. I saw "him". Then dressed up in "guy mode" to see if i could see any of "her" when presenting masculine. Not my greatest train of thought. 😏  Guy mode came way easier than I would have hoped. And "she" was nowhere to be found aside from my breast that just looked odd and out of place in my men's t shirt with my broad shoulders and clean face.  The familiar feeling that it would be so much easier to not fight my biology and just give in to being a man re-surfaced. I even looked quite handsome (even if I do say so myself). I could easily get another partner and life would be soooo much easier. Then it hit me. I was miserable and sad the entire time i was considering this.  I got out of my "boy mode" costume. And though I could still see "him", I was so happy I started to cry. So is fighting my physical body hard? Hell yeah! Is it a lot more work? You know it! But it is also super worth it for the joy it brings me! So I may always be a bricky  and "ugly" woman. But I will also be a happy one! So good bye to dysphoria forever, till next time... 😆

Upon further reflection as the weeks marched on, I realized that trans women, though often not passible, have our own beauty that we are claiming.  Trans women do not always achieve a cisgender standard of beauty. But we are beautiful and need to show up and claim our unique beauty! Sometimes this is easier said than done mentally. But it is easy more days than not lately. So though I will likely always have dysphoria rear its ugly head in my life.. I got pretty far ahead of it again. and Im keeping a good pace ahead of it.

I found a poem I absolutely love! I don't know who to credit. But here it is:

What is a woman? I stare at you blankly, so you ask again. The answer doesn't come immediately. Not because I don't know, because I do. But the answer you want doesn't fit on my tong. It isn't till my gaze drifts away to a mirror and I recognize the true cruelty of the question. All those times I thought to myself,  "how I love being a woman!" I never meant how I love having a vagina, how I love having a period. I thought, "how I love putting on a sun dress on the first day of spring", "how I love vanilla perfume", and my hair pooling down my shoulders as I cry. How I love standing in front of a mirror for an hour while I do my makeup. And laughing till my throat is raw with girls I've known since before I heard that dreaded question. What is a woman. And that is why I do not answer. That is why I do not falter when that question comes. Because you can see your answer right in front of you. In me, in the trees, in sidewalk flowers. In the scribbled hears on a desk. In the music shaking the ground. So What is a woman. I suck in a breath before I reply. Shut the fuck up T.E.R.F.!

While in "boy mode" during my sacrament, I recorded a video. I will often make video or audio logs during my sacraments so I can reflect later and remember my impressions and insights.  For my picture to go with this post I took a couple stills from that video. I really struggled wanting to put my "boy mode" pictures out there. But have reluctantly decided to. In the spirit of showing my trans sisters who may be struggling, and may find comfort or clarity in seeing me in this way. 

Once I got out of "boy mode" I did another video and took a still from that as well. I promise I was wearing a top. 😅 Still no makeup, but my state of mind had shifted and I think it shows in my eyes and expression. 💖