DYSPHORIA?

 When I was a baby, I had my first gender surgery. It was a non reversible cosmetic genital mutilation that an evil profit driven health industry convinced my parents I needed. As I continued to grow up as a closeted transgender woman, I was told to always be an example so that people would want what I have and convert to my lifestyle. I was raised in the mindset that my lifestyle was the only one that produced happiness and it was my duty to convince others to join in for their own good. I even spent 2 years of my early adulthood while others were furthering their education to go door to do trying to convince people to join my lifestyle. A lifestyle in which I felt like I needed to hide who I was. I was an evangelical christian and I was not convincing people to be trans, but to believe exactly as I did about god. I find it ironic that many of those who encourage that behavior, now think I am trying to "make" everyone trans by shoving my lifestyle down their throats (me thinks they doth protest too much). I've said it before and will say it again. IT DOSENT WORK THAT WAY! And even if it did, I would not wish being trans upon anyone.  I spent 40 years trying to "fix myself" as I preformed a drag show as a performative man.  All the while, it was always in the back of my head that I was "broken". On the flip side, I have felt so happy and authentic when I can just be me and seen for who I am. That is not to say I am happy all the time now. Or that all my dysphoria went away. But the biggest sorrow for me post coming out, and in the early stages of transition (transition is a 4 year process and I am barely starting year 2) is lost loved ones combined with a lack of social and medical support. THIS is why trans people are so vocal about change, and medical intervention being available, and having representation in media. We just want to live in an authentic way that cisgender people take for granted every 👏 single 👏 day 👏. Not to make you or your kids trans, but to make life better for those who ARE ALREADY trans that walk this path after us.

Something I still get asked often is what gender dysphoria feels like. Well... I spent most of my life looking at myself in broad strokes and not really wanting to see the details in the mirror.  Gender dysphoria for me is feeling beautiful but not seeing that reflected back in the mirror.  I feel beautiful because I love who I am becoming and how I feel. Sometimes I see how I feel reflected back in the mirror, or I can recognize the progress I have made in my transition so far and that sparks hope for the future! That causes so much joy, and I have a lot of those days! The more I am able to transition and find love and acceptance, the more good days I have! But sometimes I still don't want to look in the mirror. Because I'm scared that I will not look how I feel. I never know who I will see in the mirror. And I know that If I see "him", it will ruin how I feel. And once I see "him" in the mirror, it can feel like I will never find myself again. And sometimes I can loose myself in the mirror for weeks where all I want to do is be alone so nobody can make me feel more masculine that I think I must look to the world. In these moments all is hopeless and I can not be convinced I have made any progress at all. But even leaving the mirror out of this entirely, sometimes dysphoria creeps in when I realize how much I do not know about makeup, or hair and start to feel overwhelmed and heartbroken for a life not lived. Or sometimes I just don't want to talk because my voice feels like a cheese grater to my face. Or sometimes I will see a super cute manicure on the woman in the car next to me and realize I cant pull that off because my hands are too big and my skin will never be that soft and I spiral into all the negative thoughts.  Sometimes I see a new mother and know I will never have a mothers bond with my children in the same way. Even other trans women can set me into it when they are able to afford more care than I can. Or when I see one with more manly features they can't get rid of or hide and I start to feel insecure about my own manly features and wonder how Im perceived to others.  As someone who has psoriasis outbreaks (ugly scaly skin rashes), Id say dysphoria is like a large scabby rash on your cheek. You know it is the first thing people will see about you because it is the first thing you see when you look in the mirror. And you cant cover it up no matter how hard you try. You may forget you have it for a while and feel so good! But then you catch peoples eyes wandering to it. It is always there making itself known. And you just know people are thinking  about it. You always second guess compliments because you know you have this ugly rash. And you just know that's all everyone sees. Because it is all that you see some days. Lets try one more  analogy to drive things home. Lets say I am sitting at a table with everyone and  drinking vinegar. I wasn't sure how everyone was drinking it, but they seem to be doing just fine. So I choked it down thinking it was the only option and something was just wrong with my taste buds. Time passes and I get used to the taste, but I almost die of dehydration. One day I realized everyone else had water in their cups this entire time. Now I'm trying to drink water. But someone keeps mixing vinegar into my water every once in a while. But I know what water should taste like now, and it is really refreshing and good. So when I get vinegar again it makes me sick. 

 I don't know if any of that resonates with anyone to help you understand gender dysphoria better. I'm hoping to post 2 times this month. So think of this as a part one. In closing, I would like to ask everyone this simple question. When did you choose your gender?  I'll start my next post where we left off here...