POST-OP UPDATE

 This post talks about genitalia and surgery. If that's not for you for whatever reason, feel free to skip this one. Also as a disclosure, I do not believe that any surgical intervention is needed to make anyone more or less of the gender they know they are and identify as. I said that, fight me! If any gals out there are thinking about bottom surgery, Please feel free to reach out to me with any questions you may have. I will happily answer anything and have some great advice on what to expect as well as how to make your healing go more smoothly.

 I suppose anyone who has two brain cells to rub together and read my last post, or the disclaimer at the start of this post, knows exactly what surgery I got. So this time I'm gonna be a bit more direct. When I went into surgery, I had no idea what to expect. Though for some reDICKuLESS  reason 😏 , I thought it would be a 2 week healing process...If only... all joking asside, things got significantly better at the 2 week mark. Getting in and out of bed was not something to dread at that point which made a huge difference. And as of today I am starting to drive! I was a bit nervous about regret. I have spoken to about 5 women who have had this surgery and 3 of them expressed that they had some form of regret in the first week or two. And my pre op surgical packet warned that it is not uncommon to initially regret this surgery through the healing process. Furthermore, I was not 100% sure my motives were pure and valid. I did not think I really had dysphoria regarding my "devils pole". My top reasons for starting this process were "tucking" limits my underwear selection (No fun). I would feel more justified in the women's restroom. And the dumbest reason of all is the bill in Utah that restricts changing room access in city buildings to those who have had surgical intervention to align their anatomy to that of the changing room they wish to use. 

 I can see where it is very reasonable to have regret. Laying around in bed by yourself can get you into your head. And i got into my head a bit. I did have some sentimental thoughts that were bitter sweet as I was reflecting on life. But happily  I have had no feelings of regret about this surgery whatsoever! In fact, I have been able to recognize how much "mr happy" has negatively affected my life to this point in ways I did not recognize. The day of surgery, my biggest concern was that they were going to see my "one eyed captain".  In fact, those were my last thoughts before going under. Next thing I knew I woke up to my parents and a nurse in my hospital room. Throughout my hospital stay, they needed to check on my surgical sight. Every time they did, I noticed a distinct lack of shame that I was used to. I did feel a bit of imposter syndrome sometimes when there was a cis woman checking on things. A part of me worried how I was being perceived. I wasn't really using my vocal training, I haven't been able to shave or apply makeup and I worried that the damage from testosterone that I diligently try to cover up daily was making me look ridiculous. I also worried about how my new genitalia looked in comparison to a cis woman's. But the all familiar shame from people seeing my genitalia was gone! 

I quickly recognized that my lack of confidence in the dating field all my life has been connected to my genitalia. Even 18 years into marriage I always tried to keep my "little princess" hidden from my then wife. I  believe that my new body will help me be more confident in securing loving partners in the future. I no longer feel a fear of physical intimacy! Granted, I am not planning on going there any time soon. And still have lots of healing before it is even a possibility. But I feel like that has been a large part of why I have identified as an asexual person, but I had some cognitive blocks around that.

Let's get back to my parents being in my room as I was waking up. This is HUGE and means so much to me. My parents did NOT want me to get this surgery. We have talked openly about it. But they have demonstrated their love for me by being there and supporting me emotionally and physically throughout my healing process. I love them so much and know they love me too! We have been able to have so many difficult conversations  over the last 2 years. Some where I worried if they would still love me. But despite all the changes and disagreements, I know they love me and will always have my back! I can only hope my kids can feel the same way about me as a parent. My mom has also started using My name more often than not! They both still misgender me. Which still feels weird, but as I said, I know I am loved and they are adjusting to a lot.

For my picture today, I will share with you an unflattering pre-op pic of me in the hospital.

I will no longer tolerate a world where the weak persecute the strong, rather than become strong themselves.

-Tweaked quote from "1883"