Catalyst

 It has been super rough between my last post and this one... trigger warning again. This post speaks about suicidal ideation. So practice self care and decide if reading this post is right for you. If you are experiencing suicidal thoughts please CALL 988  or seek help. As always, I have links to the left.

I went through a week or two where I was super suicidal. I cried myself to sleep for 2 weeks straight.  It was super scary how easy ending everything seemed. Just one little choice, then go to sleep and wait for death. But again, even in my darkest hour I found hope in my heart that better times were a possibility, so I hung in there for that chance.  I am ok now and think I made it through the worst of it. I have had a lot of insights that I think helped me out of the darkness and I am feeling even better than my old chipper self! 

 I have been wondering why this sudden change in me. I am doing things in public and speaking about things openly that 4 months ago I would have never imagined! I even remember before coming out thinking about things I would never do, that just were "not me" that I now do in public Like wear a bra, or female tops. So why the big change? This has been plaguing my brain till I got an amazing insight! The reality is that it is not a new desire or new behaviors for me. These are things I have always been doing in secret, or wanting to do and thinking about. My secret stash was not just a teen thing. I have one to this day. And I have had one that started sometime after I got married. And when thinking about this, It makes me feel better about myself. I had it in my head that I was changing drastically as a person and didn't know why.  I couldn't figure out why I was suddenly changing so drastically and why I was willing to risk my marriage all of a sudden over this "new me".  

I also believe I have discovered the catalyst for the "change". About 4 months before coming out, I had an intense guided self reflection meditative experience. I didn't really connect the dots logically at that time to my dysphoria. It was all about connecting with myself and my mortality. It was very insightful and meaningful though. And I repeated it 2 more times before the urge to come out publicly took me. I believe a lot of new neural pathways were established and my psyche began a reparative state. I realized on a sub corneous level that I was unhappy and what I needed to do to move forward. I know this sounds like hippy nonsense at best, and some probably think I invited a devil inside me or something. But there is no good living a lie, or an inauthentic self. I recognize I have lied, and that has affected people I care about. For this I am truly sorry. I wish I had the self awareness and confidence to come out so many years ago. But I need to be authentic to myself and my truth. What that looks like, I still don't fully understand. The compartmentalization is still strong with me. But I feel like I am figuring things out more and as I do I am finding peace with myself and in my life. So my brain may seem to be in more turmoil now than before at times. But I believe (putting it simply) that the turmoil is just happy me helping current me work through the hard things I need to face so happy me can surface!

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