...MORE LIKE JEN WHEN

 Well..... This post may be painful to some of you reading. After great reflection and serious consideration I have decided to get my name and gender marker officially changed! I have been living authentically for the better part of a year in my day to day life as a woman now. And though the decision was not easy to officially change my name, it is defiantly the correct one for me. The thing that made it hard was sharing a name with my father and my son. Passing the name my father shared with me has always been something special to me. And I believe that names are important and meaningful. But after having a conversation with my son I am ready to pull the trigger. Being dead named by bank tellers, medical professionals  and so on, and pulling out my ID is still a painful reminder in my daily life that can still shatter my happiness.  I have also started using the women's bathroom publicly rather than only using the bathroom at home. So far I have only done it twice at a local hospital that is super affirming and then once at a fast food place. And each time I have taken care to ensure nobody else is in there... baby steps.... But I feel like having my gender marker changed will help make that less nerve wracking among many other benefits. The gender marker change for me was an easy decision and a no brainer. It was just the name that gave me pause. I have no intention of de-transitioning as I have never felt so much joy in all my life! There is no longer a nagging scratching at the back of my brain. I can connect with people authentically without trying to determine what they expect from me and match the masculine mold. I have come so far into my transition and made several permanent changes to help solidify my gender and alleviate my dysphoria. These days I feel so feminine and authentic that the only time I get dysphoria is when I feel that I am being stared at, or get called "sir" or "he" in public. And even then, it isnt really as severe as the dysphoria in my past. More of a twinge of sorrow. Or fear depending on the context. But even that does not set me off nearly as often as it used to. I am confident in my femininity most of the time despite what others think. That is not to say that I don't still have transition goals I am working towards. Or sorrow for so many missed "hot girl summers" from youth long gone. But I am doing all I can to transition with the funds available to me and finding contentment in the here and now. Fingers crossed that by next month I will officially be Jenna Nicole.

In other news, I have done some "nesting" to help my room feel more cozy and have a better energy. I dont have great before pics, but my entry was once cluttered with things I use for work. It was very functional, but not beautiful. To correct this, I have installed a screen door to allow more natural light and air flow. Ive installed Privacy window clings to my window and said screen door so I do not live in a fishbowl. I found a better space for my work stuff, and created a little kitchen space with a murphy table that doubles as shelves. The entry now features some crystals for energy cleansing and promoting a loving and positive energy in my room. Two additional tapestries and half wall to make the space feel more finished. A plant for joy. A statue of Baphomet to remind me of balance in all things and breaking away from harmful systems and people. A statue of Mother Gaia for feminine energy and a reminder of the cycles of life. Needless to say, my room sparks more joy and positivity for me now. I can be having a rough day and enter my room to be greeted by a peaceful warm feeling. Now I just need to run power for a microwave and my coffee maker.

Also, here is a progress pic with just eyeshadow on my birthday (I didnt even do my hair 😨). I celebrated my first birthday while transitioning this month!


(Don't worry, it is not sage in the picture. It is rosemary)



Comments

  1. Carla LongMay 13, 2024 at 5:03 AM

    I miss you, Jen!! I’m so happy to hear that you’re doing well!

    ReplyDelete

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