4 MONTHS POST OP AND SO MUCH MORE

Ok, So lets start with post op news. I just had my last post op visit and was told everything looks super! I feel like my body has always been this way. In fact, I haven't really had any phantom limb pain or anything like that aside from some pain I experienced the first week in the hospital that I associated with "blue balls". There were a few slip ups early on when I approached the toilet like I was going to pee standing, but I can count those times on one hand. And they do not happen any more. I am looking at a possible revision that I just learned today is a normal part of the surgery that happens after the 3 month point in the healing process. I kinda wish I knew about it when scheduling everything. Because now I don't think I can afford it. Where as if I snuck it in this year I would not have had to pay anything for it as I meet my out of pocket deductible.  But here we are....

My weight has been holding for about a year, till recently when I gained 5-8 lbs. so I gotta get back on watching what I eat. I got a little complacent. The weight I was holding at is at my original goal from when I was 290 and deciding where I wanted to be with my weight. So if I just maintain there I think Ill be fine with it. I was able to eat what I want, just in more moderation, and I could still wear some pretty cute clothes. I don't know if the recent gain was due to the holiday junk food, or just me thinking I was safe and could eat more fast food...lol. But Im getting back on track.

Now on to the real tea! My thoughts and emotions have been all over the place the last 3 weeks or so. It seems like when 6pm hits I get sad. Im fine all day then it just hits me... BOOM! Sometimes there is a reason I recognize, and sometimes it is just a general melancholy but it usually ends in me being a sobbing mess.  I have some theories as to why this evening sorrow may be happening. First, I missed an estrogen shot and wasn't able to take it for 2 days.. But here we are 3 weeks out... Though I still haven't ruled that out due to the fact that it may have taken a week or so to re regulate, and now is my regular semicolon. Another theory I have is that my x has officially been in her own house for over a month now. And though this has had lots of positives in my life, I think I am finally actually coming to terms with the fact that we are divorced now that she is physically gone. I know it is for the best, and there has been so much peace in my home without needing to worry about her emotional well being, which could at times conflict with mine. But with that said, she has been a part of my life for 23 years. That is more than half of my life. Not to mention the more limited access to my kids with them only coming over ever other week.  Another obvious stressor would be finances. On paper, me in this place on my own was going to be tight. But doable. And as of now I have fallen short about $1,000 each month. Technically it was just last month. This month Im only projecting to be short... But I dont think Im wrong. I am hoping that the first month is due to me coming back to work and just seeing the results of the missed work from recovery with needing to buy odds and ends for the house after splitting things. And this month is just Christmas spending. Because on paper things should still barely work out moving forward.  Another thing that could explain this emotional turmoil is seasonal depression. I don't know if I am prone to it or not because depression was always just the water I was swimming in before transition.  A few nights I was sad because dysphoria reared its ugly head. One night I was triggered by my voice. In fact, multiple nights I was triggered by my voice. It is still the leading cause of dysphoria for me today. I still need to work at having a more feminine voice, so this puts my "transness" in my mind whenever Im speaking. One night I was set off because someone I know who typically does not struggle with my pronouns slipped up and said "he". This hit hard because I realized that as much progress as I have made, People who know me and have only ever known me as Jen still may see me as "Him". Or at least that was the feeling. Another night I thought someone; who again has only known me as Jen, but also knows my dead name, called me Ben. I honestly don't think she did. I think I misheard her. But it still set me into a spiral that evening.  The finances + Failed marriage + reflecting on my emotional unavailability to my kids till recently (due to my past undiscovered depression)  left me feeling like a complete failure. 

But there is lots of good happening too! My mom actually used "she" once! This is HUGE to me. She has also been teaching me how to do my hair in a way that is as she says is "cuter". My parents continue to be a big support to me generally in my recent big life changes. And they have been supporting Tami as well by helping her clean and paint her new place. As well as by getting her odds and ends she needed. And helping with meals and rides as Tami settles in. I really did get amazing parents. I am so glad I stuck in there and gave them a chance when things looked like they were not going well after I first started transitioning. There were a lot of difficult conversations. And I recognize most Trans people do not have the privlige I do with family. 💖

On a completely random note, I have noticed a super strange phenomenon. I seem to have hospital nostalgia.  I notice when I drive by hospitals I feel it. And every time I have gone to a post op at the U, I really feel it. I believe this is due to me only having positive big life changes at hospitals. I have the birth of 4 amazing kids on mental file as hospital memories. And my 2 surgeries that have brought me such peace and joy. 

For this post's pic, im doing one of my front room redecoration. So, I totally get that most of you didn't get to see the place before. But trust me, it is a huge difference and feels like a totally new space!