DYSPHORIA IS A BITCH. BUT SO AM I!

 TRIGGER WARNING! LIGHT S.I. briefly mentioned in RED INK... if it is not clear in the post, I am in a really great spot now and far from those dark thoughts. 

So dysphoria continued on for the entire month of December and familiar dark thoughts of "leaving" popped up once or twice. But I also had a reference point of the fact that it can be and does in fact get better. So that was a huge tool in my arsenal of sticking around. It seemed like my Transness was always on display. And I felt hopeless that I went from my gender always being my dirty little secret in the back of my mind, to it being out in the open, but always on my mind because Im constantly having the mental load of working on my voice. And wondering what people think of me, and worrying about my hair and makeup skills in comparison to those who have been doing this much longer. And then the added load of evaluating if I will be safe in my surroundings. Though I think there were way more moving parts than just a simple case of run of the mill dysphoria. Historically, the last 2 Christmas's were kinda rough for me with all the changes in my family structure. And I know in the past that whenever anything was stressful or sad dysphoria seemed to be just around the corner. I used to say "all hard roads lead to dysphoria". But it has been so long since I have had dysphoria this bad that I sort of forgot that. This year was my first Christmas where My X and I were actually physically separated. And with the financial stress of the "move" + the holiday + the lack of money from post op healing, it is no surprise that the road lead to dysphoria. I think the hardest thing I dealt with was on Christmas eve. We have a tradition to go out to eat for lunch, then go window shopping. This year was no different and we kept the tradition. I was feeling super cute. But still got called "Mr" at a store. A store that typically has very affirming staff. And in this case, a staff member who even uses they/them pronouns themselves. So Normally I can brush off mis-gendering. It sucks, but not to the point of making me cry. But it was all I could do to not cry in front of anyone this time.  I felt trapped in the mall. I wanted to just disappear and not be seen by anyone. I was super ready to go home, but we had only just started and my kids were having fun. Christmas also did not feel right. It was my Christmas with the kids this year and it just felt so off. By new years eve I was feeling quite a bit better and did a psychedelic sacrament. Which went well over all. More on that to come... But new years also brought a weirdness as I recognized the body I have and feel so at home with, was far from the body I had, or even suspected I would be able to get at the start of the year.

I mentioned that I have not had super difficult Dysphoria in a while aside from last month. I credit this to mirror work as well as meditations during my sacraments. For a while now I have been saying positive things to myself that I see when I look in the mirror. And If I am feeling bad about something I see, or cant find my beauty for one reason or another, I will say something like, "I know you dont feel this right now, but I love you and think you are so beautiful". Or, "look how far you have come. You are still improving every single day. Im so proud of you!" Then Ill start getting specific with things I know Im improved at. This process will typically end in happy tears. 

My voice is still a tough area that can easily spark dysphoria when Im feeling down. I feel a bit overwhelmed and stuck with my vocal work lately. I feel like I haven't been making any progress. And though I recognize my progress overall, It has been stagnant for a while and remains nowhere near where I want to be.  I am starting to fear that I may need to compromise and find joy with what I have. As I said earlier, it is also a huge part of my mental load that keeps my transness in the forefront of my mind. But I dont think just giving up will help lighten that load, as I fear it will just switch from mentally working on my voice, to worrying about it. In the long run, I just need to become more comfortable with just being trans. Which varies in its ease depending on how Im feeling.

Ive been thinking a LOT lately about my biggest stumbling block from before I started transitioning. That was the fear of being an "ugly" woman. I have had several people who reinforced this by expressing it. Those people are largely no longer in my life in any significant way. Not by my choosing and much to my sorrow in many cases. But I have learned that I can't concern myself with other people choosing not to choose me. And I cant waist my energy on putting energy into relationships where energy is not returned to me. So though those relationship losses are still sad somedays, overall I am content to let those people go. But back to the "ugly" woman thing...  I am soooo much happier in my life. I believe I am obviously trans, and not the prettiest woman by a long shot. Though I do have people on occasion when it comes up, tell me that if they didnt know I was trans, they would not be able to tell. I dont think I can believe that, but all this to say, even if I am an "ugly woman", I am a happy one! And an alive one. And that is infinitely more valuable to me than being conventionally pretty. . . well... most of the time...😅 

Ok, Sacrament update! There was so much good and healing. At one point I went out to be in nature. One of my favorite spots is under my willow tree. It has such interesting bark, and it is fun to look up at the sky through the branches. Well this particular time, I realized this tree was planted when my kiddos were little and we still had a swing set. This tree and I have seen my kids play in the back yard and grow up. Then I noticed the bark and growth patterns. It was clear that as the tree was growing, the new growth  expanded within the old bark till it burst through the old bark. This got me thinking about growth being a painful process. But will often leave us stronger. I recognized that this tree was initially fragile and small.  But as it grew and expanded, it became the strong tree it is today. Then I saw life pulsing in the tree. It was so Beautiful! I now officially recognize that I have a Bodhi tree!  I also had an experience when I needed to go to the garage for something. I remember how cozy and cute it seemed. However in this moment, I noticed that it did not feel like a cozy living space, but a soul less garage. I then realized that when I was there, I felt like I was pushed aside. Kind of out of sight out of mind situation. I realized why I was so excited to move into the "big house". So I could feel connected and human again. The final big moment I had, was during a guided meditation. I will often listen to feminine empowerment meditations with female voices. It has been several months, and typically, I perceive the voice as a wise female sage who is "teaching me the ways". But this time I took the role of the female voice in my mind. Once I realized this the next day it got me realizing how much my confidence has grown!

Well, lets close this off with my resolution and update you from my last post's frustrating decision to be made about my revision on my bottom surgery. I dont know if I made it very clear, but the financial burden made me consider not going through with it as it is not any thing that is "necessary" in the realm of functionality. That said, have decided that though it will be tight, and, may incur debt this time around... I am getting the revision. Bottom surgery has brought me so much joy and confidence, that coupled with the fact that I have gone into debt for dumber and more fleeting things in the past made this decision quite easy.  And once I pulled the trigger to start the process, it all fell together. My revision is scheduled for the 27th of January! The part I am most worried about is the lack of pay from missing work. So on to the awkward begging part... if you have anything to spare you would like to send to a good cause, my go fund me is still live and anything you can spare would be great help. I haven't updated the story page, but my out of pocket deductible is the same amount. And you know the important updates from here. lol

I know its not a pic of me again. But I feel like a fitting pic for this post is one of the bark of my Willow Bodhi tree. 💞