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DARK NIGHT OF THE SOUL

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So don't let the title deceive you, This post is full of joy and growth. But part of that came from a rough 30 min or so at 2am one night during a reflective sacrament... So to start off, my 2nd surgery got moved up! Instead of November 15th, it is now August 12th (TOMORROW AT 7:30 AM!) This is the first big irreversible thing in my transition. But i have been at peace and very excited about it. Today my excitement drops to 95% occasionally as nerves set in. But Im still mostly at 100% excitement! The only 3 concerns I have had are; one of convenience when camping or at a gross toilet. Second is what parts any future partner may have and how i may want to interact with those parts. And the very smallest concern is that of future me wanting to de-transition. All are considerations that I have held close and believe the reward outweighs the risks and concerns. In the past when I interacted with my partners parts, I usually imagined our parts were switched during the process. And I ve...
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DONT BE WEIRD

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 I have never felt so content and at peace with myself.  It has been an extremely emotional and trying month. I could really use good energy and positive thought if you have any to spare. But it is not trans stuff troubling me. Just normal life stuff. That said, in the past, whenever I had any sort of emotional hardships it would always spiral into dysphoria. I used to say “all roads lead to dysphoria”. I don’t know if it is because I have breasts now, and my boobs are not attached to weather I am wearing a bra or not. Or if I have met trans girls who don’t pass that I find beautiful.. Or if it is all the mirror work I have been doing. But I hope this shift is my new reality.  Ally advice time! So I was at a subway getting dinner for work. There was a cis woman in front of me and a cis woman behind me in line. The employee was still helping the woman in front of me, but then said, "ill be with you in a min lady". It sounded weird, and I instantly felt clocked. (being cloc...
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SURGERY REPORT

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I know it has been a min. But I haven't really had too much to say.  I can still hardly believe all the changes that I have made in my life. Pre transition me would be so proud of  now me! If I could talk to that me, they would have no hesitation about transitioning. But the journey has been scary and hard at times.  In the past I have wondered what life would have been like if I were not trans. What if I could I just... be? Without the fear of my autonomy and rights being taken from me? Or  the loss of loved ones who are scared, or dont understand. Would I have been spared of all those years, hating myself and wishing I could be someone else? I wonder if life would be easier if I didnt need to fight for acceptance  and to be seen as me. To be able to know that I am exactly how my parents wanted me to be. I wonder how I would have grown up had I not run every thing I do through a filter to be sure I was acting how I was expected. Some say that being trans is a c...
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1 & 1/2 YEARS INTO HRT!

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I can hardly believe it has been a year and a half. So much has changed! My voice has come a long way. It is not where I want it to be. And it is still the leading cause of dysphoria these days. But I have a very noticeable difference from the voicemail message I have on my phone now, and how I sound most of the time. I still need to "decide" to use my feminine voice. I dont wake up with it. But I can get into it by simply deciding to do so. I dont need to prompt or que myself very often any more. And there was one day I tried to go out in drag and present masculine (more on that next). I did notice my voice had some feminine patterns that I did not need to think about at all and had to try to get rid of when I was masking... 😅 Sometimes I worry  that I may sound "gay" and not "like a woman" (whatever that all means). And I still want to work on my pitch. And there are a lot of female vocal patterns I notice, that I dont think I can achieve. But then I lo...
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Holiday Update

I left my last post with a question for everyone to consider. I honestly dont remember where I was going with that. And so much more has happened. I also dont feel like it was a cliff hanger. So Im gonna just leave it alone and move into a holiday update. November had its rough moments. I noticed I was misgendered a lot more in public  which killed my confidence for a while. Also, I mentioned in a past post that sometimes I feel excluded in women's spaces by well meaning women allies. I went to a friend gathering and we were playing cards against humanity. The prompt card was "___________ are a women's best friend". The non binary person tasked with choosing the answer turned to the 2 Cisgendered women in the group and said, "as the other 2 women, what would you choose". I was already feeling really dysphoric that day and in my head, so naturally I took it as confirmation bias  and sunk into a dark place for the better part of a week. something about it comi...
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DYSPHORIA?

 When I was a baby, I had my first gender surgery. It was a non reversible cosmetic genital mutilation that an evil profit driven health industry convinced my parents I needed. As I continued to grow up as a closeted transgender woman, I was told to always be an example so that people would want what I have and convert to my lifestyle. I was raised in the mindset that my lifestyle was the only one that produced happiness and it was my duty to convince others to join in for their own good. I even spent 2 years of my early adulthood while others were furthering their education to go door to do trying to convince people to join my lifestyle. A lifestyle in which I felt like I needed to hide who I was. I was an evangelical christian and I was not convincing people to be trans, but to believe exactly as I did about god. I find it ironic that many of those who encourage that behavior, now think I am trying to "make" everyone trans by shoving my lifestyle down their throats (me thin...
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I AM A WOMAN

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  Trigger warning. This post speaks about suicidal ideation. Not my own, Im in a really good place mentally. But it is a topic here for a bit while I get on my soap box in the first 2 paragraphs (marked with * ) and get into statistics. So practice self care and decide if reading those paragraphs is right for you. If you are experiencing suicidal thoughts please  CALL 988   or seek help. I have links to the left.   * I've had a lot of interesting thoughts and conversations this month. One person was so bold as to point out that I should just de-transition because if I don't learn to be happy as a man, I'm going to end up shall we say... on a self created trip to the great beyond. This propaganda warrior and self appointed "expert" was happy to tell me all the statistics that post transition un-aliving does not decrease. First of all, allow me to say this is not factual at all. There are accredited studies to back me up. Don't take my word on it, but I don...
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