Ben or Jen?

I can hardly believe it has been a year and a half. So much has changed! My voice has come a long way. It is not where I want it to be. And it is still the leading cause of dysphoria these days. But I have a very noticeable difference from the voicemail message I have on my phone now, and how I sound most of the time. I still need to "decide" to use my feminine voice. I dont wake up with it. But I can get into it by simply deciding to do so. I dont need to prompt or que myself very often any more. And there was one day I tried to go out in drag and present masculine (more on that next). I did notice my voice had some feminine patterns that I did not need to think about at all and had to try to get rid of when I was masking... 😅 Sometimes I worry  that I may sound "gay" and not "like a woman" (whatever that all means). And I still want to work on my pitch. And there are a lot of female vocal patterns I notice, that I dont think I can achieve. But then I lo...

I left my last post with a question for everyone to consider. I honestly dont remember where I was going with that. And so much more has happened. I also dont feel like it was a cliff hanger. So Im gonna just leave it alone and move into a holiday update. November had its rough moments. I noticed I was misgendered a lot more in public  which killed my confidence for a while. Also, I mentioned in a past post that sometimes I feel excluded in women's spaces by well meaning women allies. I went to a friend gathering and we were playing cards against humanity. The prompt card was "___________ are a women's best friend". The non binary person tasked with choosing the answer turned to the 2 Cisgendered women in the group and said, "as the other 2 women, what would you choose". I was already feeling really dysphoric that day and in my head, so naturally I took it as confirmation bias  and sunk into a dark place for the better part of a week. something about it comi...

 When I was a baby, I had my first gender surgery. It was a non reversible cosmetic genital mutilation that an evil profit driven health industry convinced my parents I needed. As I continued to grow up as a closeted transgender woman, I was told to always be an example so that people would want what I have and convert to my lifestyle. I was raised in the mindset that my lifestyle was the only one that produced happiness and it was my duty to convince others to join in for their own good. I even spent 2 years of my early adulthood while others were furthering their education to go door to do trying to convince people to join my lifestyle. A lifestyle in which I felt like I needed to hide who I was. I was an evangelical christian and I was not convincing people to be trans, but to believe exactly as I did about god. I find it ironic that many of those who encourage that behavior, now think I am trying to "make" everyone trans by shoving my lifestyle down their throats (me thin...

  Trigger warning. This post speaks about suicidal ideation. Not my own, Im in a really good place mentally. But it is a topic here for a bit while I get on my soap box in the first 2 paragraphs (marked with * ) and get into statistics. So practice self care and decide if reading those paragraphs is right for you. If you are experiencing suicidal thoughts please  CALL 988   or seek help. I have links to the left.   * I've had a lot of interesting thoughts and conversations this month. One person was so bold as to point out that I should just de-transition because if I don't learn to be happy as a man, I'm going to end up shall we say... on a self created trip to the great beyond. This propaganda warrior and self appointed "expert" was happy to tell me all the statistics that post transition un-aliving does not decrease. First of all, allow me to say this is not factual at all. There are accredited studies to back me up. Don't take my word on it, but I don...

It has been a while since I have needed one of these, but here we are....   trigger warning again. This post speaks about suicidal ideation. So practice self care and decide if reading this post is right for you. If you are experiencing suicidal thoughts please  CALL 988   or seek help. I have links to the left.    I think Im a witch at heart. Often times I think it would be nice to get together with other women in nature  and scream, or cry, or laugh, or whatever emote feels like it needs out. Perhaps some healing chanting or group manifesting. This needs to be a thing in my life! These days I have noticed that everything bad connects to and becomes dysphoria. Ive had a really emotionally hard family emergency that somehow morphed into dysphoria. Trust me when I say it totally does not actually connect or relate to dysphoria. But to my brain it super spiraled there. There are also things that start out as one stressor, but inevitably leads down the ra...

It is so hard to believe I have been on HRT for one year (as of yesterday)! How fitting that today I finally got my drivers license and bank information updated! I am getting more confident in a casual look I can throw together. Though I have lost my touch on my eye makeup. Ive noticed my daily eyeshadow look is slipping. So I need to step it up again... 😋 But lets not even talk about eyeliner.... 😆  And it is time I learn a new makeup thing. Im thinking about lips, But also am thinking I should see how quickly I can pick up a new eyeshadow look to give myself a "final exam" if you will, before moving on.  I recognize I am still an infant in makeup and it makes me sad sometimes that I am starting this so late in life. At 41 my makeup game should be way better. I am less skilled than my 13 year old. I feel like I can't really practice as much as her because again... at my age I should be better. And it makes me feel super self-conscious to go out without a practiced make...