Ben or Jen?

Ok, So lets start with post op news. I just had my last post op visit and was told everything looks super! I feel like my body has always been this way. In fact, I haven't really had any phantom limb pain or anything like that aside from some pain I experienced the first week in the hospital that I associated with "blue balls". There were a few slip ups early on when I approached the toilet like I was going to pee standing, but I can count those times on one hand. And they do not happen any more. I am looking at a possible revision that I just learned today is a normal part of the surgery that happens after the 3 month point in the healing process. I kinda wish I knew about it when scheduling everything. Because now I don't think I can afford it. Where as if I snuck it in this year I would not have had to pay anything for it as I meet my out of pocket deductible.  But here we are.... My weight has been holding for about a year, till recently when I gained 5-8 lbs. so ...

 Ok... so technically september was my 2 year marker. But I had other news I wanted to talk about in september. Then october kinda got away from me. My new body is still so amazing and getting better every day!  It may seem odd, but everything feels natural, normal and as though it has always been this way. But occasionally I will be struck with unbelievable joy when I stop and think about it!  I can hardly believe I am already 2 years on HRT! Time really flys. And I have had so many wonderful changes in my life in that relatively short period of time. I never in a million years imagined things would be so good for me, obviously I hoped so. But was entering the realm of the unknown and giving life one last chance. So what was there to loose? And I did loose a lot. I lost a brother, and most of my male friends and my marriage of 18 years. I lost my muscle mass and a few other physical characteristics. But I have been able to divelop closer relationships with most of my fem...

 This post talks about genitalia and surgery. If that's not for you for whatever reason, feel free to skip this one. Also as a disclosure, I do not believe that any surgical intervention is needed to make anyone more or less of the gender they know they are and identify as. I said that, fight me! If any gals out there are thinking about bottom surgery, Please feel free to reach out to me with any questions you may have. I will happily answer anything and have some great advice on what to expect as well as how to make your healing go more smoothly.  I suppose anyone who has two brain cells to rub together and read my last post, or the disclaimer at the start of this post, knows exactly what surgery I got. So this time I'm gonna be a bit more direct. When I went into surgery, I had no idea what to expect. Though for some reDICKuLESS  reason 😏 , I thought it would be a 2 week healing process...If only... all joking asside, things got significantly better at the 2 week mark....

So don't let the title deceive you, This post is full of joy and growth. But part of that came from a rough 30 min or so at 2am one night during a reflective sacrament... So to start off, my 2nd surgery got moved up! Instead of November 15th, it is now August 12th (TOMORROW AT 7:30 AM!) This is the first big irreversible thing in my transition. But i have been at peace and very excited about it. Today my excitement drops to 95% occasionally as nerves set in. But Im still mostly at 100% excitement! The only 3 concerns I have had are; one of convenience when camping or at a gross toilet. Second is what parts any future partner may have and how i may want to interact with those parts. And the very smallest concern is that of future me wanting to de-transition. All are considerations that I have held close and believe the reward outweighs the risks and concerns. In the past when I interacted with my partners parts, I usually imagined our parts were switched during the process. And I ve...

 I have never felt so content and at peace with myself.  It has been an extremely emotional and trying month. I could really use good energy and positive thought if you have any to spare. But it is not trans stuff troubling me. Just normal life stuff. That said, in the past, whenever I had any sort of emotional hardships it would always spiral into dysphoria. I used to say “all roads lead to dysphoria”. I don’t know if it is because I have breasts now, and my boobs are not attached to weather I am wearing a bra or not. Or if I have met trans girls who don’t pass that I find beautiful.. Or if it is all the mirror work I have been doing. But I hope this shift is my new reality.  Ally advice time! So I was at a subway getting dinner for work. There was a cis woman in front of me and a cis woman behind me in line. The employee was still helping the woman in front of me, but then said, "ill be with you in a min lady". It sounded weird, and I instantly felt clocked. (being cloc...

I know it has been a min. But I haven't really had too much to say.  I can still hardly believe all the changes that I have made in my life. Pre transition me would be so proud of  now me! If I could talk to that me, they would have no hesitation about transitioning. But the journey has been scary and hard at times.  In the past I have wondered what life would have been like if I were not trans. What if I could I just... be? Without the fear of my autonomy and rights being taken from me? Or  the loss of loved ones who are scared, or dont understand. Would I have been spared of all those years, hating myself and wishing I could be someone else? I wonder if life would be easier if I didnt need to fight for acceptance  and to be seen as me. To be able to know that I am exactly how my parents wanted me to be. I wonder how I would have grown up had I not run every thing I do through a filter to be sure I was acting how I was expected. Some say that being trans is a c...