Beautiful, Badass, and Beautifully Badass!

Here it goes again. The thoughts swirling in my brain slowly driving me insane. Tormented daily, defeated again, and just when I thought I had reached the bottom. It seems like I m falling forever. blurring and stirring and confusing the thoughts in my head so I cant trust myself anymore. Ive got to breathe and cant keep going under like this...

I recognize how shitty this is for my wife and what I have done to her because of my cowardice and choice to lie up till this point. It is not fair for her. And we brought 4 kids into this world who are depending on me to be consistent and solid for them. When I came out to my wife I thought it would be ok if I just started wearing light makeup and women's shoes on the more neutral side of things. And perhaps sleeping in a bra again. And Id have someone in my corner who fully understands me. I didnt think it would disrupt things. After all Im already doing so many other things I introduced over the last 2 years. 

Well, even the lightest eyeshadow is super off-putting to her. Boiling her slowly does not seem to be working. Apparently she has been putting on a braver face than I realized and has been strongly leaning towards divorce from the moment I told her. We have talked about a divorce where I get a bedroom in the basement and we share the main living space. I would be fine with that, but think it would wear on her if I presented more feminine. We also talked about me only presenting feminine every other weekend for an hour when I go to community of christ.  I feel obligated to be strong for her and continue on. like I can revert back to the status quoe and finish what I started when we got married. I even had another mini purge cycle where I brought back the boxers... It lasted 4 days... Then other times I think, what is so complicated about me just doing whatever I feel I need to in the moment. No HRT or big changes. just a feminine tattoo here and there mixed in with my masculine ones. Wearing  makeup and plucking my eyebrows. Then other other times I want to start HRT for smoother less harry skin and a more feminine appearance.  I think I can make that work for me. But that comes with a loss of facial hair and a chance of ED. So being gender fluid just makes things so much more complicated than wanting to fully transition.  I dont know if that is normal in the Trans journey, or if my place on the gender spectrum is just constant limbo.  I need to find that middle ground. The only time I feel complete is when Im high. I wish I could get hypno therapy or something to rip out my feminine side. 

 I had a dream where I transitioned. My kids were all sad because they were mourning the death of "old me" and things that would never be again.  This dream shook me and made me sad. I don't want my kids to mourn the loss of "dad". I dont want anyone else to take the place of "Dad" for my kids. And I dont want to be "Mom". Fast forward to that evening... I had my eyeshadow on and was getting makeup tips from my sister in law, but still felt super masculine. I noticed my mannerisms felt natural and masculine. I dont want to learn to present feminine or change how I present. I want to feel like a badass! But I also want to do things that are traditionally "feminine". So though when I tell people I am Gender fluid, I dont think they understand just what that means, or what hell it is. I want to be beautiful, and I want to be a badass! Sometimes that is simple. Sometimes it feels impossible...


 



Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

1 & 1/2 YEARS INTO HRT!

Image
I can hardly believe it has been a year and a half. So much has changed! My voice has come a long way. It is not where I want it to be. And it is still the leading cause of dysphoria these days. But I have a very noticeable difference from the voicemail message I have on my phone now, and how I sound most of the time. I still need to "decide" to use my feminine voice. I dont wake up with it. But I can get into it by simply deciding to do so. I dont need to prompt or que myself very often any more. And there was one day I tried to go out in drag and present masculine (more on that next). I did notice my voice had some feminine patterns that I did not need to think about at all and had to try to get rid of when I was masking... 😅 Sometimes I worry  that I may sound "gay" and not "like a woman" (whatever that all means). And I still want to work on my pitch. And there are a lot of female vocal patterns I notice, that I dont think I can achieve. But then I lo...
Read more

ALMOST 1 YAER IN

Image
 My last post sparked people reaching out to be sure they were not causing me to feel cut out. I want to be clear here. There are still lots of good people in my life. If we didnt see each other much before, and that is still the case, but it has nothing to do with my transition, or if you are trying and messing up with how to act and what to say with my identity you are still counted as a supporter in my book. This is a learning curve for everyone. On that front, A friend who I feared I had lost because all we seemed to do is argue about trans stuff, and they told me they dont want me around their kids to influence the kids etc etc.. It seemed like their only experience with trans people before me was lots of misinformation from anti trans sources that have an agenda. Well, they reached out to rekindle our friendship. I was honestly a bit cautious. But we had a very good time catching up. They rarely messed up on my pronouns and when they did it was not with malus and quickly ackn...
Read more

I AM A WOMAN

Image
  Trigger warning. This post speaks about suicidal ideation. Not my own, Im in a really good place mentally. But it is a topic here for a bit while I get on my soap box in the first 2 paragraphs (marked with * ) and get into statistics. So practice self care and decide if reading those paragraphs is right for you. If you are experiencing suicidal thoughts please  CALL 988   or seek help. I have links to the left.   * I've had a lot of interesting thoughts and conversations this month. One person was so bold as to point out that I should just de-transition because if I don't learn to be happy as a man, I'm going to end up shall we say... on a self created trip to the great beyond. This propaganda warrior and self appointed "expert" was happy to tell me all the statistics that post transition un-aliving does not decrease. First of all, allow me to say this is not factual at all. There are accredited studies to back me up. Don't take my word on it, but I don...
Read more