Catalyst and coming out

This may be a good stand alone post, but if you haven't read the other 2, you may want to start at the first post and work up to here... 

Over the years, there were several reasons for my wife to suspect something was up. There was a time about 5 years ago that I was sleeping in a bra for a while. I told my wife this was because I was sleeping through my alarm. But if I put my phone in the cup, I would feel it and have no problems waking up! 😆 To be fair, I am a heavy sleeper. Sadly sleeping in the bra was short lived because the phone got really hot, and there was no way of charging over night in the bra. So there went my totally logical and manly reason to sleep in a bra.

 About 2 years ago, I told her that I wasn't getting "good support" in men's underwear and switched up to women's. 

About 1 year ago, we thought that our daughter may be a member of the LGBTQIA+ community (because she is a really good ally). So I painted my nails in rainbow to show that we would be a safe place for her to come out. There are SO many ways to do that. But I needed a manly reason to wear nail polish. I have been doing my nails from then on. I also went through a "guy liner" phase for a few months during that time.

While "considering a tattoo", I also shaved my arms in preparation for a tattoo I didn't get for another year. But continued shaving my arms because it felt good. I then incorporated my armpits and then my legs with no more explanation that I liked the way my arms felt and thought I would share the joy with my legs. To be fair (and balanced) It does feel super good to have freshly shaved limbs!  And the deodorant I liked was getting stuck in my pit hair when I showered. Though this was true,  in the past I just got a gel deodorant to prevent that...

Enter Octoberr 2022. It is getting harder and harder to want to present 100% male. And it is not fun coming up with reasons why the feminine things I am doing are actually "manly". Granted, aside from wanting to do some light makeup. I didn't really see anything more I wanted to do. Transitioning in any permeant way would be out of the question because I still had the mentality that I did when I was a kid learning about "sex change operations". It would not be complete enough to fix me. And I would make a super ugly woman. I started thinking about people I would feel comfortable telling  .  . . hypothetically of course. I could never actually.... I wanted the wife to know, but did not want to end our marriage with this bomb. She has already given up so many of her dreams with me. The biggest being that I abandoned our faith. In the mormon faith tradition if you get married in the temple and live up to your marriage vows and other promises to God, it is believed that you will be married after this life as well with your children sealed to you as an eternal family. This is a BIG DEAL in the faith and kids are raised early on to seek this at all costs. So when I left the faith, I stole her hopes of being with me and the kids in the after life. And worse, she may be stuck as one of many wives of another man. The mormon teachings are not accepting of the LGBTQIA+ community. They have come a long way from teaching it is a choice and a sin that is caused from masterbation, to we dont know why people are born gay, but as long as they live a celebite life and don't act on it they will be fine. So this could take away any smidge of hope she had of me returning to the church.  One friend came to mind. I have known him for 22 years and we went through our faith chrysies together at the same time. But Id never really.... December 5, 2022. I typed up a text to come out to him. Just therapeutically, to get it out there. not to really send.... December 6 I hit send before I lost my nerve and waited with baited breath... His response could not have been better! I was ecstatic to get it off my chest! This felt so freeing and great! Who else could I tell? Well, my mom probably already knows. And I'd be fine with my brother knowing. We shared a room together so this would probably connect a lot of dots for him... But wait.... I need to do this right. When I left the church I turned to everyone but my wife because I didn't want to hurt her and I figured I'd get over it and find my faith. I do not want to fuck things up like that again... So I will need to be good with just my friend and his wife knowing for now...

But the urge grew. I almost told her so many times over the next 2 months, but  always lost my nerve. It is way harder to come out in person. And I wasn't 100% sure how she would take it. Would this be the last nail in the coffin? She has put up with so much from me already. With my daughter being an ally with a friend circle that is almost exclusively trans, or in the LGBTQIA+ community the wife and I have had these conversations. And as far I knew she didnt understand why people couldn't just be the gender they were born as, but enjoy things the opposite gender enjoys doing. A huge leap forward from what her church teaches. And probably why she didnt bat an eye at my behaviors to this point. My wife is one of the kindest and most thoughtful people I know. And without experiencing gender dysphoria, her thought process is a very reasonable way to think. Enter Christmas day. I am ready to tell her. I let my friend know that today was the day my wonderful wife was going to find out! He calmly reminded me that big lifechanging news is not the best to taint special days with. So I told her the next day. 😆