Just Beautiful?

 Well, as this is a blog about my journey, and I let the ball slip on something BIG... So with that spoiler, I will start little and  work up to the bigness.

So The wife and I have been working on compromises. Our therapist (who thinks it is ridiculous we are staying together) has told us that to make this work, I need to tell the wife what I want to do. She then needs to decide if that is something she can accept or not and tell me. If it is something she can not accept, then I need to decide if I can go without it or not and we separate, or compromise accordingly. She really likes my arm hair and thinks I look like I have " pre teen girl boobs" when I shave my chest. She also HATES when I change my face with makeup or additional piercings. I also recognize HRT would be a deal breaker. She also dosent want the ally, or trans flag in the yard anymore. And dosent want me to come out on facebook. So I am giving in those areas. She allows me to continue doing my nails, wearing my shirts I design with "trans propaganda", keeping my mow hawk (that she hates), wearing feminine shoes, shaving my legs, wearing a bra as needed, and sleeping in feminine pjs and nightgowns as needed. She also reluctantly allows eye makeup occasionally around the house and during errands.  Im also going to "my church" every week  where I can do my makeup and whatever else I need instead of going to church with her every other week.

Sometime in April I added an anklet and toe ring to my wardrobe (they are super cute with my foot tattoo 😊). Then I added a necklace and pinky ring for church). The wife did not take this well. In her mind I was fine where I was and she was coping with that. Then I added these things and she starts to recognize I may need to go further still. Then within the week of adding jewelry I notice a dress she wanted to donate to a local thrift store that I told her I want to use as a church skirt. She reluctantly agreed. So in my journey so far Ive gone from wearing eye makeup and feminine shoes to church, to wearing eye makeup and more feminine shoes around the house and on errands occasionally. to wearing a bra almost full time and feminine sleeping attire, To adding a feminine top to my church wardrobe. Then a necklace and lip stick. Each step was more nerve racking than the last, but also felt better and better as I get more authentic! Skip forward to April 30.... I went to church in full feminine attire with my newly acquired "skirt". I even added foundation and blush. I was so nervous! there were not many at church that week, and I noticed a lot of double takes. But no awkward stares or anything. One person was so kind to say I looked "ready for spring"!  I left pretty quickly when church was over...One friend who saw my outfit pointed out I needed better shoes to go with my new look. The wife graciously allowed me to buy 2 cute pairs of shoes and gave me a green light to go out for more clothing!  Fast forward to May 7. I got all dolled up again and nervously went into church. This time I was told I looked beautiful, and one said my outfit looks nice and I have great style. Someone loved my shoes and gushed over them. I felt so natural and free (when I wasn't thinking about how ridiculous I must look). I am already an awkward person sometimes, but Im sure I just straight up walked away from people before the conversations were finished, and stood there at times with a dumb look on my face while I was processing everything. LOTS of sensory overload.... And this particular week I wasn't able to just sit in the back, the pastor asked me to get up in front of everyone and share a scripture in front of the congregation and zoom. So I basically salyed...  A part of me realizes that I must look ridiculous and the church people are just being nice to me because it is church... But Ill take it! In fact, I felt so good I went to a store. I didnt notice many looks. And I had a literal mini panic attack, but I kept my outward composure, slowed my heart back down and did fine. After I calmed myself I noticed there was one little girl who was staring at me and literally looking me up and down with a confused look on her face. She then went over to her parent and LOUDLY WHISPERED "why is that boy in girl clothes"...  😆

So in short, I don't fully know what I need and that is ok. I am learning about me and what I need day by day. The path may wind in unexpected ways and I am here for the journey as long as it brings  peace. Last Sunday I did learn that I feel so comfortable and good presenting feminine when Im not worrying about what others think about me.


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

1 & 1/2 YEARS INTO HRT!

Image
I can hardly believe it has been a year and a half. So much has changed! My voice has come a long way. It is not where I want it to be. And it is still the leading cause of dysphoria these days. But I have a very noticeable difference from the voicemail message I have on my phone now, and how I sound most of the time. I still need to "decide" to use my feminine voice. I dont wake up with it. But I can get into it by simply deciding to do so. I dont need to prompt or que myself very often any more. And there was one day I tried to go out in drag and present masculine (more on that next). I did notice my voice had some feminine patterns that I did not need to think about at all and had to try to get rid of when I was masking... 😅 Sometimes I worry  that I may sound "gay" and not "like a woman" (whatever that all means). And I still want to work on my pitch. And there are a lot of female vocal patterns I notice, that I dont think I can achieve. But then I lo...
Read more

ALMOST 1 YAER IN

Image
 My last post sparked people reaching out to be sure they were not causing me to feel cut out. I want to be clear here. There are still lots of good people in my life. If we didnt see each other much before, and that is still the case, but it has nothing to do with my transition, or if you are trying and messing up with how to act and what to say with my identity you are still counted as a supporter in my book. This is a learning curve for everyone. On that front, A friend who I feared I had lost because all we seemed to do is argue about trans stuff, and they told me they dont want me around their kids to influence the kids etc etc.. It seemed like their only experience with trans people before me was lots of misinformation from anti trans sources that have an agenda. Well, they reached out to rekindle our friendship. I was honestly a bit cautious. But we had a very good time catching up. They rarely messed up on my pronouns and when they did it was not with malus and quickly ackn...
Read more

I AM A WOMAN

Image
  Trigger warning. This post speaks about suicidal ideation. Not my own, Im in a really good place mentally. But it is a topic here for a bit while I get on my soap box in the first 2 paragraphs (marked with * ) and get into statistics. So practice self care and decide if reading those paragraphs is right for you. If you are experiencing suicidal thoughts please  CALL 988   or seek help. I have links to the left.   * I've had a lot of interesting thoughts and conversations this month. One person was so bold as to point out that I should just de-transition because if I don't learn to be happy as a man, I'm going to end up shall we say... on a self created trip to the great beyond. This propaganda warrior and self appointed "expert" was happy to tell me all the statistics that post transition un-aliving does not decrease. First of all, allow me to say this is not factual at all. There are accredited studies to back me up. Don't take my word on it, but I don...
Read more