Stretching Out A Bit

I started a few draft blogposts that were dark and sad.... Im not feeling that now and dont want to spend energy on finishing them. So if I feel the darkness creep back in later I may finish them. But for now It suffices me to say the internal turmoil is strong and it is a consstant rollercoaster.

On other news, I am now officially going by Jen she/her at church! Just testing the waters for now....but it feels good! I also have no problem going by Ben he/him which is good because that's how Im referred to everywhere else. So if you know me personally, do what feels best for you. But if you expend the effort to use She/Her at the least, and Jen every so often I will feel thought of, seen, and cared for. My wife also saw me in a dress for the first time. She asked beforehand to see, and didn't say anything about it one way or the other after seeing, and I already know how weird I look so I didn't really press for feedback. My wife is a huge support and defender though. I recently told someone I was wearing dresses to church and they laughed about it. Im not fully sure why, but know it is a complex topic and have grace for them. And though I was hurt at first, I was able to process it and they apologized later that day. This is not to make anyone feel bad. Just sharing the growing pains for others to be aware. Also to sing my wife's praises! Apparently when my wife found out, she called the person and told them it is never ok to laugh at me in this particular journey. She is definitely my rock. Though she sees herself as my damn, keeping me contained and unable to move forward to be happy. It is super complicated though and I love her and need her to know she is not stopping me, just helping me fully explore all my options and not jump into anything I cant handle.

So now it is time to call myself out. This blog is all about self discovery and helping others on the journey by normalizing things they may be going through. So in that vein... Before I was thinking about coming out, I did see one particular woman of trans experience who I was super critical of. She was older than me and has a very loud and deep booming voice. She didn't have any mannerisms that I would have classified as feminine and well, I was just always super critical towards her in my head. Now I feel like I know her struggle. I feel so much more compassion for her and recognize how brave she is. I realize now that gender expression is so much more than "passing". It is about being authentic and working with what you have. 

These days I seem to want to find a good middle ground. Going back to the beautiful badass, but with more feminine "stuff". Then getting "all dolled up" or "looking sharp" for occasions as I feel on a case by case basis. I recently met the creator of  Diva's Doorstep. I love their fashion style. They give me hope of a balanced future for myself! On that note.... I love shopping for clothes! This is a problem.... When I was buying "male" clothes I really couldn't care as long as the shirt was sarcastic or funny and the shorts had lots of pockets  and are not too long or short (sadly  "women's" clothing sorely lacks pockets). In fact, my wife did most if not all my clothes shopping without me and I wore what I was given. But now.... now I have so much fun pairing tops and bottoms, finding styles I like and accessorizing with jewelry! Even the underwear has more options.... 



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