JUST MAN UP

I have people in my life who literally think I am not me anymore and that I have completely changed who I am. Or that I am suffering from a sudden onset of a mental illness and have re-written my past to fit my current mental condition. Or that  I'm just being trendy and jumping on some queer band wagon because "the trans agenda" or something. The narrative that queer people are "pushing an agenda onto everyone" is laughable to me. Historically, when a kid comes out as queer to "straight" parents, or a "straight" kid is in a queer household who had a higher chance of being disowned, shunned, made to feel broken or sent to  conversion therapy?  Who has taught that the other lifestyle is a sin or abomination that must be changed? So now lets revisit the question... Who has a stronger track record of pushing an agenda onto others? Queer people just want basic human rights. Our existence is not up for debate! I have been searching my mind for an analogy to help people realize what being Trans is like and why I hid it. Sadly I have been unable to. But I can say that I always felt worthless, bad, dirty, perverted, and sinful. I felt like I did not deserve love as myself because I was inherently broken and bad.  So yeah, I hid this side of me from the world. But it has always been here and I wish I could have addressed it earlier in my life. But that would not have been safe for me and there was no way to transition when I was in my late teens. so I don't regret keeping it in. I was just born at the wrong time. The only thing I do regret, and brings me the most sorrow from keeping it in is that it has hurt my wife. 

 Occasionally I am comfortable in my body as is and I enjoy presenting masculine. I believe I have expressed this before here and stated that I was unsure if it is just from living masculine for so long or just the fact that It is the easiest path to walk in our society not only because I pass, but the male privlige sure is nice.  Then sometimes  I will be out in public somewhere, or watching something on tv and see a woman in a cute something or other and feel super dysphoric and jealous because she is so effortlessly feminine. I would look ridiculous in whatever the thing may be and will never be able to be feminine enough with all the surgeries money can buy because I was not born a woman (enter suicidal ideation). Sometimes Ill even be feeling super good and put on one of my dresses, look in the mirror and feel sad for a week because I don't look how I feel. Other times I am totally content with the "beautiful Badass" look with a beard and a skirt. But I think this comes more from a defensive mindset of,  "yeah, I'm wearing a skirt. Trust me, you don't want to fuck with me about it!". So why cant I just bottle it all up and "man up". My wife would be more happy  with me, there would be less drama and internal turmoil in my life, and things would be so much simpler! I have even gone to therapy to see if the therapists could help me focus on my masculine side. One flat out would not, and despite the best efforts of another one, she ended up referring me to a gender specialist (that I cant afford). Even when I am feeling my most masculine and comfortable in my skin, I would still actively choose to have been born a female. And If I did not love my wife so much, and fear the ridicule  I would get from being nether male or female, I would start transitioning today.