BABY STEPS?

 Well, it is happened. . . A switch has been flipped in me. The more I add to my feminine routine, the happier I get. I have expanded my wardrobe beyond church attire and have dressed fem/androgynist for about a month now.  My dysphoria is less and I feel bubbly and authentic. The only times I get dysphoric these days is when I notice more people staring at me and I get self conscious/loose confidence in how I look, or when Im presenting male. I used to feel dysphoric on a daily basis when I saw features in women that I want and dont have. Or in other words, when I recognize what I am is what I am not, while feeling more connected with what I am. But  I have developed  transition goals. And as soon as I decided to start HRT, instead of feeling sad and dysphoric when I see women I feel happy and hopeful! I want vocal feminization, HRT, and hair removal. Sadly I have learned that laser hair removal will not target my facial hair because of it's color. So I am trying to decide if I can be happy as a bearded woman, or what other options I may have.  Then depending on my results with HRT I may or may not want breast augmentation and facial feminization surgery. I have started eating better to slim down. I think I can deal with my big hands and feet, and my broad shoulders. I have been journaling on a daily basis to see what my mental state is each day and have come to the conclusion that though I will never be as feminine as I feel, I am ok with that. And I believe I will always be visibly trans and not have "passing privlige". But believe I will be more happy. I started my HRT on September 10th! I haven't felt any changes yet and that has made me sad. But I also realize it hasn't been a week yet and it will take time to get where Im going.. It may be too far to walk, but I dont need to run. Ill get there in time.

If you have questions about HRT click HERE for a general knowledge video to cover the basics...

How is this affecting my marriage you may very well ask.... not well.... not well at all. I am now living in a separate bedroom in the same house. We are going to give co habituating and remaining friends a try. I still hold that the wife is handling things very well and with love and grace.  So far we have had a few communication mishaps, but I think we cleared those up and can make a good go at this! We are not officially divorced yet. But I think that is just because we are both too sad to pull that final trigger. 2 years ago I turned the garage into my "bud hole" where I play board games and such with buddies. Now it is my "barbie dream bud hole" because it shares space with my bedroom that features my very pink closet, curtains, rug and bedding. LOL. 

"I don't know when, I don't know how, but I know somethings starting right now! Watch and you'll see. One day I'll be. Part of your world!"


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