The good, the bad, the dysphoric

It has been so long between posts. Sorry for that. I have had a post started for about a month now that I decided to scrap entirely. so there is that.... 😂 It's been a rollercoaster ride to say the least! I have started wearing a wig. LOVE THAT! And a photo app has recognized my selfies as female when I am in the wig and have makeup done. So that feels good! I think I have settled on a new name. And this one doesn't need to be kept secret... 😏 It is (so far) Jenna Nicole. I also have a selfie that was taken at the right angle with the right lighting and some makeup help that gives me hope for a passable future! Now I just need to have someone else do my makeup, carry around a light and always look up at everyone 😂. I feel like I am getting a better handle on women's fashion. I get more compliments on my makeup and clothing. I still think I have tons of room to grow. But I am getting there! Now if my weight and figure were where I wanted them... 🕑😒

  Dysphoria has also reared its ugly head again and again in the last month or so.  Some days I can get ready for the day and I feel cute.  I go out and feel authentic and good! Till I glance into a mirror and notice a masculine feature, or get called "sir" and loose all my confidence. The girl I saw getting ready is gone. All I can see is "him" and I feel like I will always just be a man pretending and nobody will see the authentic me for who I am.  I also had a moment of existential dread. I know trans haters are rolling their eyes or yelling at me through their screens already... but here is more for you to think Im mentally ill. One night in a meditative moment, I felt my masculinity rise. It was almost like a separate person in me who didn't want to be killed. Or like "I" was fighting to be free... In that moment, and for about an hour I was ready to call transitioning quits. There are still times I can look into a reflection when Im in "boy mode" and feel confident. And times I can see a curvy woman in public and be jealous. But this has been a thing my entire life. And the more I do "girl mode" the more connected and happy I feel overall. So I may still end up non binary,  But either way, HRT is a thing I am doing and feel super great about! 

Comments

  1. Carla LNovember 3, 2023 at 1:01 PM

    Sending all of the love I can to this amazing woman!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. AnonymousNovember 3, 2023 at 1:32 PM

    I felt that rising masculinity wanting to die thing right before my egg fully cracked. I went through a phase of performative hyper-masculinity. I shaved my head, started metal working and blacksmithing and shit.Then I couldn't maintain the facade and it all crumbled.
    Really wish I hadn't shaved my head. My hair was longer than than it is now after a year of growing it out 🫠

    ReplyDelete
  3. AnonymousNovember 3, 2023 at 6:46 PM

    I'm some kind of genderqueer, but personally don't have/want a label for it. But on days when my gender doesn't match my presentation it's incredibly disheartening, especially because I'm not in a position to be out to ask for help. I can understand your struggle, and I'm glad you're here trying. Don't listen to the transphobes. Whoever you end up being will be wonderful. I also love your name
    Best of luck, my dear. I hope you find the balance between your past self and your new self that you need/want <3

    ReplyDelete

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