MY POST OPERATIVE REGRET

I guess I'll lead with the title topic.  Im offically a trans statistic.... I have post operative regret. But it's not what you think. My regret comes from the fact that I did not have enough recovery time and felt rushed back to work for financial reasons. So my results were not as optimal as they should have been.  I returned to work after 3 days while still wearing a catheter and did not retain the intended result. So the frustration and regret is more palpable as I feel like it is all my fault. I had a similar experience with top surgery. The first time I had top surgery I returned to work after 1 week. That is the reason why I had to do a top surgery revision  recently. Oh yeah... I had a top surgery revision in early March BTW.  😆 So I don't regret getting any of the surgeries done, Rather I regret not taking enough time to heal after the surgeries to get optimal results. But I learned my lesson for round 2 of top surgery and have taken it very easy.  

As i have been able to pass more (?) I have been invited into womens circles. It is totally good to be included, but has also made me feel small, and like a terrible woman. One thing that came up in a recent conversation is post birth struggles. Both physically, as well as dealing with unhelpful and clueless husbands.  It made me question if I was a thoughtful partner or not. Im sure i was not. And even today I have a harder time taking on the mental load. And know that is a huge part of womanhood in our shitty system and  I truly think that is a difference in how the genders are socalized and raised. I was not socialized to be critical about my physical presentation. As a guy I could get away with throwing on whatever and not taking much care in my appearance. I was socalized with ideas that just showing up is good enough. that my voice is important.  I have a lot to offer because I was born with external reproductive organs. I was not raised being taught that my value stemed from how I can serve others. I was not raised to consider how small I can make myself, how submissive. I was not raised to think that when I have kids I dont exist as a singular being anymore.  IIwas raised as leader. Women were placed here to be my help meet and follow my lead. I did not grow up learning how to be safe in piblic. I did not grow up being sexualized. I do not share these common experiences that make up  social womanhood. So what does it even mean to me to be a woman?

I dont know, and dont think there is a simple answer. I do know that I am still learning how to be a woman socially. And that I love every lesson. I know that I no longer need to hide myself away. Or over compensate and second guess if I'm acting "masculine" enough or not. I know that for as long as i can remember i have felt like a female. But was raised with all the privilege of being a male. I think that is part of why those in power are trying to eliminate us. We have crossed the boundarie.. and can fully see the problems with the system and how controll is maintained by keeping us in our little boxes of conformity . So they try to silence us and discredit the trans community.

 Some may say being a trans is a sexual fetish. This is not true. And the fact that some even say that says so much about how our sociaty views women. Anyone who thinks being trans is a kink, or a fetish, sees women as nothing more than a sex object. And therefore can only see that as a reason to want to be a woman. These people should not be trusted by any women.

Anyway.... I have so much more I want to say, but it will need to wait for another day if im going to post this and not keep postponing to make this perfect... lol on that note, I'm just posting a quick selfie for my post pic. It's just casual, and as always,  no filters.