HRT CHANGES AND MORE

 Things are mostly super good! I have been feeling more happy and fulfilled as I present more authentically. There is still a lot to learn about makeup, my clothing style, and social cues. I still mis-gender myself occasionally out of habit. But I am presenting feminine mostly all the time now! In public,  Women will often smile or compliment something I am wearing. And men will do double takes or stare. Im still not really interested in men. And Im sure it is because I am more confusing than attractive to them. But It is not the hate I always imagined Id be getting so Im happy to take it!

Some of my fears about transitioning were justified though... I seem to have lost all contact with one brother and his wife. I miss them. And the biggest worry I had about divorce and loosing my wife is happening. She keeps telling me it hurts her that I wont choose her over myself. I think it hurts that she doesn't love me for me. So we are at a stand still it seems and need to separate. We grew up in the tail end of a time when you were expected to just "fulfill your role" and sacrifice yourself. Id like to think I am starting to do a better job at both of those things. I am still "dad" to my kids AND able to find real happiness within me. I believe this is helping me become a better parent for my children.  

I find other fears to have been less justified. For instance with HRT (content warning, this paragraph may get too graphic for some as I am discussing my body and its functionality. reader discretion is advised)... At the very beginning I did not want to loose my *ahem "ability" or or my "drive" or my ...size. And I was worried about the possibility of finding men attractive. I didn't want it to change my personality by making me an emotional wreck. I was also scared of loosing muscle mass. But I did want less hair, smooth skin, a more feminine face and all the curves. I'm also 40 and realize that the physical changes won't be as thorough as I would hope for. And I struggled with the idea of being visibly trans. But as I started to live more authentically in the places I felt safe, I recognized what was missing in my life. And I started being braver and braver with my presentation. And I noticed I was happier and happier. So I took the leap into hrt. And granted I am only 3 months in.... But I am still me, but better! Emotions haven't become super overwhelming. I can cry easier. And I can connect with my family on levels I didn't think possible. I don't know if the connection is the estrogen, or just me being happy. But it is so wonderful! Sadly I haven't seen the physical changes I wanted yet. But I'm realizing the concerns I had were a small price to pay for the joy I have unlocked! And that is if my concerns even happen. As of now, I have started to find men a bit attractive. But they have to be a solid 10... Were talking Ryan Reynolds or Thane Rivers. And I often find that I want to be held by someone bigger than me. I also find women even more beautiful than before. It is weird, but I appreciate them more in new physical ways, as well as new emotional ways. My for mentioned "ability" is still there so far, but only when I want. It is no longer compulsory which has been sooo nice! I haven't noticed any of the physical changes I was hoping for yet. I may or may not have gained 2 inches in my chest. But that could be a measuring error as I do not know if I truly remember my starting measurement or not. They dont appear bigger to me when comparing them to my starting photos. My nipples are changing and require guarding against painful nudges. And I have lost weight, but suspect it is just muscle. But even if everything I was worried about happened (which it still may) I would not change a thing or go back.

So like I said, overall, super good! When I see younger women sometimes I still get so jealous of what I never had and never will. And then I start to loose my confidence. And at nights when I am getting ready for bed I want my hair to be mine. I want my breasts to be mine. I want my curves to be mine. I want to be able to come home, take off my clothes, wash off my makeup and not loose all of my femininity as I watch "him" re-appear. I want to be called beautiful and not just brave. I dont want to be the source of pain to my family. I want them to know that they matter and I will love them no matter what. But I realize transition takes time for me, and those around me. And I am learning to love myself as I find out who she is. And even with all of the bad, I have never been happier!