WORDS FAIL

Trigger warning again. This post speaks about suicidal ideation. So practice self care and decide if reading this post is right for you. If you are experiencing suicidal thoughts please CALL 988  or seek help. I have links to the left.  Also, Im totally unsure why this post is highlighted. The best I could do is try and match the background color. Sorry... 

 This time last year I was full of so much hope and excited to finally be open about my experiences with my life long battle in gender dysphoria. I am entering this year with freshly filed divorce papers, existential dread and identity crisis. Christmas was bitter sweet as I knew it was the last one we would celebrate as the family unit we are all used to. And for my wife I feel like Christmas is forever tainted by me coming out after Christmas last year. New years eve was a combination of wanting to not feel anything and crying over all I will loose in 2024. I feel like I am in a loose loose situation. I want to be a woman so badly, but I can never be a natural woman. And I feel like I am giving up a lot, just to become a half assed portrayal of a woman. I feel like the girl trapped inside of this body will never be truly free. So What the hell am I doing! I was getting by just fine as a man for my life for 39 years.  I have expressed here that I have never felt as happy as I do when I am presenting feminine. I have unlocked a new level of joy that I did not even comprehend before.  This has unlocked so much happiness in my life. But lately as I have been doing my monthly meditation,  I feel like my masculinity had been chained and put to sleep as if by hypnosis. And "he" is finally awake and free to speak in my meditative state. "He" hates the changes. In these moments the only way I can find peace is to commit to myself that I will stop transitioning. But the next day, I feel fine transitioning again and cant wait for my feminine developments. Then the next day I will wake up and feel my scruffy face and be grateful that my laser hair removal has not affected my beard yet. Then I shave and cant wait for the hair to be gone permanently. And then I will be great with being feminine again and wanting HRT to speed up all the changes till something triggers in my brain before bed. And then I question if I will always feel this way. And I go back to thoughts of becoming a half assed portrayal of a woman. Then I present masculine for a day. And it feels normal and good. And what if I hate having breasts. Lots of women complain about them. And what if I start getting cramps monthly. I know I do not have a uterus, but many trans women still cramp monthly. And I am giving up my muscle mass. And what if I want a beard later? And do I really want to take hormone shots every week for the rest of my life? And will I be able to find any romantic partners? Im not the most attractive as a man, but I am for sure NOT an attractive woman. And even if I can get to a level of attractiveness when presenting feminine, it is all washed away with my makeup. It is so hard to find women's shoes and clothes that fits my bulky large body. But even in these moments, I still feel super secure in my bra. And having cute clothes makes me happy. And I love having my feminine earrings and sensitive nipples. And not having sex be a compulsory thing that needs to just be taken care of is so amazing!

I think the catalyst in these new feelings of doubt may be that divorce is now an undeniable reality. It was always there as something that was happening. We separated and started living in separate rooms sometime in September. But it is so real to me now that we have actually filed and paid for it. So I dont know if these feelings are brought on by that huge sudden life change or what. Needless to say, with everything going on I get into a place where it is very overwhelming, super sad, and I just want to shut down and not think or feel anymore. I wish for death and cry a lot lately. Death sounds easier than doing the emotional work and feeling the pain and confusion I am going through. I feel like I am back in the place I was before I decided to transition. The painful limbo of deciding. That said, I am safe. I have no plan. My weapons are securely locked and I have relinquished the keys. I am not brave enough to actually do anything. And more importantly, I have people in my life I know I can call any time if I need to be talked off the edge. As always, I am sharing these personal and embarrassing things because I feel that awareness brings understanding and helps people know they are not alone if they are experiencing similar emotions. 

I feel like it is fitting to end this post with  thoughts I have for my wife in the last days of our marriage:

 I still truly love you so much and am heartbroken we were not able to make things work out. But I couldn't stay for eternity so good buy seems to be the only way. I think it sucks that you are perfect. Because Im not perfect for you.  And though you tried to kill me with kindness, it wasnt ever the kind that I needed. I never meant to make things such a mess. And I never thought that it would go this far.   I thought I was in control of  this.  I never had anyone I felt I could open up to. Who I would let see this hidden part of me. The part I felt was dirty, weird and shameful. So I hid that part of me and didn't let anyone see. That's not a worthy explanation, I know there is none. Nothing can make up for all these things I've said and done. Words fail, there is nothing I can say. This was just a sad invention it wasn't real, I know. But we were happy. I guess I though that wouldn't go. I thought we couldn't give that up. I guess I wanted to believe. Because if I just believe then I don't have to see what's really there. I've tried to pretend I'm something that Im not. Pretend I'm something other than this mess that I am. Because then I don't have to look at it. And no one gets to look at it and no one can really see. Because what if everyone saw? What if everyone knew? Would they like what they saw? Or would they hate it too? Will I just keep on running away from what's in me?   I know there is somebody out there to love you the way you need. And when you finally find him you will see I couldn't be him no matter how hard I tried. An ounce of peace is all I want for you.  And with a sad heart I say good buy to you and wave. Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I have made. Please make your smile come back and shine just like it used to.  Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you.  Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you and bring back your beautiful smile.