LIKE A FINE WINE....

Something I touched on in an older post somewhere is that sometimes I present masculine for several reasons. Recently I have found that even when presenting mask, I still feel feminine inside and confident in my femininity. I dont know if this is because my hair is getting longer, or my features are getting softer, or if I am just finding my confidence better.  Perhaps it is a byproduct of just being authentic more and being accustomed to feeling feminine despite what others think. I have been working on allowing others to judge me. As a visibly trans person I will be judged, and I am trying to be ok with that. I am even more confident with less and less shapewear! I still want more breast development and my hair is WAY too short and i SUPER hate my fat distribution in my mid section. Yes, women get fat bellies, but mine is still a distinctly masculine "beer belly". That said, I already mentioned loosing the wig in my last post, and I have been relying less and less on my "placeholders" I keep in my bra. Now my stomach shapewear is another story altogether... I still "need" that. 😆 But all that is to say, I seem to be in a new mental place with my body now where I have more patience and hope for my transition and all of this is allowing me to slow down and enjoy where I am at with things.

 One of the  misconceptions that kept me from coming out was that the suicide rate for trans people did not drop after transition. So if I was going to be miserable either way I figured I just needed to find peace with my gender assigned at birth and safety in society presenting how they want.  I have to say that when my "egg was cracking" and I seriously came to terms with being trans was the absolute hardest part. Now I can still have a few hard days in there, but nothing like what it was before I started to transition. And I chalk those super hard days up to my emotional cycle (PMS if you will). Of all the side effects I stressed about, the emotional cycle has been the hardest to cope with. But I have super enjoyed all the other changes I thought I would miss. For instance, being ACE is soooo magical! I may just be in an in-between place while my hormones and body adjust, but for now I am loving every second of having no sex drive. Or perhaps just a different and less intense sex drive that I dont understand yet?... 

I know I have said how amazing my job is before. And it still is! I have one group of kids who are younger and seemed more resistant to being in public with me so I have been presenting mask with them. But all the other groups I work with are slaying the pronouns and name change! I present fully fem with them. And recently while with "the littles" I was rocking makeup and one of them (who is a self proclaimed "transphobe") said, "Ben, why are you wearing makeup again" in a tone of slight disgust. I shot back with, because Im trans and had to change before picking you guys up so you wouldn't be embarrassed. He surprised me and said in a playfully fem voice, "you do you girl". So Im going to start breaking them in a bit at a time too my "fem mode" a little sooner than I thought!

And last but not least.... A progress pic



Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

1 & 1/2 YEARS INTO HRT!

Image
I can hardly believe it has been a year and a half. So much has changed! My voice has come a long way. It is not where I want it to be. And it is still the leading cause of dysphoria these days. But I have a very noticeable difference from the voicemail message I have on my phone now, and how I sound most of the time. I still need to "decide" to use my feminine voice. I dont wake up with it. But I can get into it by simply deciding to do so. I dont need to prompt or que myself very often any more. And there was one day I tried to go out in drag and present masculine (more on that next). I did notice my voice had some feminine patterns that I did not need to think about at all and had to try to get rid of when I was masking... 😅 Sometimes I worry  that I may sound "gay" and not "like a woman" (whatever that all means). And I still want to work on my pitch. And there are a lot of female vocal patterns I notice, that I dont think I can achieve. But then I lo...
Read more

ALMOST 1 YAER IN

Image
 My last post sparked people reaching out to be sure they were not causing me to feel cut out. I want to be clear here. There are still lots of good people in my life. If we didnt see each other much before, and that is still the case, but it has nothing to do with my transition, or if you are trying and messing up with how to act and what to say with my identity you are still counted as a supporter in my book. This is a learning curve for everyone. On that front, A friend who I feared I had lost because all we seemed to do is argue about trans stuff, and they told me they dont want me around their kids to influence the kids etc etc.. It seemed like their only experience with trans people before me was lots of misinformation from anti trans sources that have an agenda. Well, they reached out to rekindle our friendship. I was honestly a bit cautious. But we had a very good time catching up. They rarely messed up on my pronouns and when they did it was not with malus and quickly ackn...
Read more

I AM A WOMAN

Image
  Trigger warning. This post speaks about suicidal ideation. Not my own, Im in a really good place mentally. But it is a topic here for a bit while I get on my soap box in the first 2 paragraphs (marked with * ) and get into statistics. So practice self care and decide if reading those paragraphs is right for you. If you are experiencing suicidal thoughts please  CALL 988   or seek help. I have links to the left.   * I've had a lot of interesting thoughts and conversations this month. One person was so bold as to point out that I should just de-transition because if I don't learn to be happy as a man, I'm going to end up shall we say... on a self created trip to the great beyond. This propaganda warrior and self appointed "expert" was happy to tell me all the statistics that post transition un-aliving does not decrease. First of all, allow me to say this is not factual at all. There are accredited studies to back me up. Don't take my word on it, but I don...
Read more