YOUR GONNA REGRET IT

I feel like it would be unfair to not discuss my name and gender change given my last post. First off, I had so many people willing to wright me personal letters of recommendation testifying to the fact that I have socially transitioned for the required amount of time. So many kind things were said in those letters it made my heart sing! The court process is long and I have my hearing scheduled to meet with the judge. Fingers crossed I will have things completed soon. After the judge approves of everything, I need my birth certificate changed. Then My Social S. card, then My drivers license, then I can start changing things at banks and so forth. So even after the order, I have my busy work cut out for me.

Now lets talk a bit about de transitioning. The topic the post is named for... I will not lie. I have considered de transitioning. But super not for any reasons you may suppose. I have considered de transitioning because if I ever loose my amazing job, I may not be able to find a good replacement in this anti trans environment. I have considered de transitioning because I get stared at by people every where I go and have even had water thrown on me in public. I have considered de transitioning to make things easier for my children. I have considered de transitioning because I have lost family who I desperately love and may never see again. Family who will no longer attend family events where I am present, thus impacting my extended family as a whole. I have considered de transitioning because it is not easy to be trans and if I could just box it all up and pretend it is not there, life may be easier again (this one I have tried and failed at. It was not easier and I have discussed that in previous posts). I don't want to be a trans woman. I want to be cis. I don't want to transition and look sorta like a woman. Or feel "less than" when around other women. I just want to be cis. Cis male, or cis female... i dont care. And sometimes it hurts that I will never be that. All that said, NONE of these reasons are that I regret the changes in my body. If I could afford to do more I would in a heart beat. All of the reasons I may consider de transitioning would be for social reasons and to please others. I find it sad that this is the case. Nothing inside me ever regrets transitioning until you add the social aspect to the mix. If I could just live alone on an Island, the me I would present as would be feminine and I imagine my dysphoria would not be an issue as it is generally caused by how I worry about, or am being perceived. We need to do a better job as a society being loving and accepting. Granted, My transition is causing hurt to my loved ones. This hurt would not be so wide spread if I was able to transition in my youth. We need to change our attitude about queer people. And for that matter, All people who just want to live their lives without doing harm.  With it being Pride month, I have seen a LOT of hate for Queer people. There are people saying instead of celebrating pride we need a whole month dedicated to god, or a whole month dedicated to straight people, or the country, or whatever.... Pride is important first because there are people who think they are better dead than queer. And second, because queer rights are still not freely given. It was only nine years ago when queer marriage was legalized and trans health care is still being debated... 

The month has come with Joy and sorrow. There was one day that I woke up fine and normal... Then my kid needed something dropped off at school. "Girl mode" takes an hour to get ready because of my stupid face and body. So i thought i would just go in more of an androgynies mode so i could be quick. As soon as i caught my reflection in the car i got so sad. I wasnt able to stop crying for more than 5 min at a time for a good 5 hours. It was all i could do to go talk to the office person. And i was crying again before i got to my car. i lost my self image of "her" and couldnt find "her" at all anymore in my presentation! Not even after changing... 😰 And I had absolute joy when I went to get my hair styled and saw that there is potential for me to have a feminine style! (pictured below) The stylist was so amazing and taught me step by step what she was doing and why. I have yet to be able to get anywhere close to re creating it.... but it was a good glimmer of hope. 💖 I also started vocal feminization about a week ago. So far it has only been learning vocal health and warmups. But in 6 months time I should have a feminine voice! 🤞