ALMOST 1 YAER IN

 My last post sparked people reaching out to be sure they were not causing me to feel cut out. I want to be clear here. There are still lots of good people in my life. If we didnt see each other much before, and that is still the case, but it has nothing to do with my transition, or if you are trying and messing up with how to act and what to say with my identity you are still counted as a supporter in my book. This is a learning curve for everyone.

On that front, A friend who I feared I had lost because all we seemed to do is argue about trans stuff, and they told me they dont want me around their kids to influence the kids etc etc.. It seemed like their only experience with trans people before me was lots of misinformation from anti trans sources that have an agenda. Well, they reached out to rekindle our friendship. I was honestly a bit cautious. But we had a very good time catching up. They rarely messed up on my pronouns and when they did it was not with malus and quickly acknowledged. They haven't seen me in almost a year. So It was refreshing to have someone notice my progress that isn't numb to seeing me often. They said I look like a woman, but an ugly one. 😆 (that may seem like a burn to anyone reading this. But it was super not intended that way and was received by me in good nature). They also said they were relieved that i am still the same person ive always been. I just look different now.  That is oddly the thing I hear the most often, I dont know why everyone expects me to be a totally different person now. I am the same person. I still like the same things and think the same way, have the same sense of humor. If anything my only changes have come from gaining confidence, loosing depression, and not wasting energy running  everything I do through a mental filter to be sure it wont be perceived as "too girly". So one of my mourned losses is no longer a loss! Fingers crossed. More will come around. 

On the flip side, I am missing my x. I still love her. I really didn't think my transitioning would really be a deal killer. We had been through and worked through so much and were better emotionally than we had been in a long time when I came out. I hoped our relationship was at a place where it had transcended the physical enough to make this work. Granted when I first first came out it was never with the intention of transitioning, but here we are. My heart breaks for our lost relationship and the loss of our future and the pain I have caused her in this. Especially as we passed what would have been our 19th wedding anniversary. I have been doing a lot of reflecting though. And I have made it no big secret that we were struggling with mixed faith issues before I came out. Whenever I had asked her what she initially fell in love with me for, her answer was always things like, "you seemed like a worthy priesthood holder". So I feel like our marriage was already doomed from the moment I left the church. As soon as she saw there was no hope for me to go back she ended the marriage.  We seem to be getting along better with the divorce not being so fresh though. I hope we can remain close friends. 

I still feel more girly in than i look these days. And it is easy to forget that. The closest thing i can relate it to is when you hit a certain age and feel younger than you look, or your body wants to behave. Though the mirror does not remind me as often as it used to.  I can see the girl in the mirror more than i have in the past and I do not have bouts of deep depression over my misaligned body. There was a time in my life where i would happily trade places with any female. I am at a point where i would no longer trade places with any female i see. I super have enough confidence  that i can feel more "fortunate" (for lack of better words) than lots of other women. 

On a clerical update, I don't remember saying that I got my Social security cart updated with my name or not, but That feels like it was a while ago, And I finally got my birth certificate in with my name and gender marker updated! And My work officially sent me my first paycheck with my affirming name! Now onto fixing the Drivers License, getting my bank updated and contacting all the other companies that need my drivers license to update their records. . . 😵