ONE YEAR ON HRT!

September 11, 2024

It is so hard to believe I have been on HRT for one year (as of yesterday)! How fitting that today I finally got my drivers license and bank information updated! I am getting more confident in a casual look I can throw together. Though I have lost my touch on my eye makeup. Ive noticed my daily eyeshadow look is slipping. So I need to step it up again... 😋 But lets not even talk about eyeliner.... 😆 And it is time I learn a new makeup thing. Im thinking about lips, But also am thinking I should see how quickly I can pick up a new eyeshadow look to give myself a "final exam" if you will, before moving on. I recognize I am still an infant in makeup and it makes me sad sometimes that I am starting this so late in life. At 41 my makeup game should be way better. I am less skilled than my 13 year old. I feel like I can't really practice as much as her because again... at my age I should be better. And it makes me feel super self-conscious to go out without a practiced makeup look. I really need to get over myself and just do it though. That said, I am getting more confident overall! I even wore a skirt to work for the first time. I have not had any significant dysphoria or overwhelming sorrow over lost people since the fathers day emotional surge. I am still sad over those who have chosen to remove me from their lives. But I am able to see it as their problem. If they cant accept me for me then they probably would not spark joy in my life anyway. And chasing people who don't want me is not a good use of my energy. I have had a few of my extended family reach out to me to ensure they are not the ones causing me to feel abandoned. This is super sweet and I appreciate all the care and efforts to make me feel loved. I feel like I need to clarify though. If we did not talk much before I transitioned and we don't talk much now, I am assuming that is just because that is our relationship. The only people who I feel cut off by, have specifically told me personally or communicated through my x that they will no longer be communicating with me. That said, I have really enjoyed re connecting with those who have reached out. So Im super not opposed to that continuing if anyone else wants to re connect! 💓 The biggest cause disphoria now days is just my missed feminine youth, and my face. But i am getting better at bounce back!

I have had more euphoric days than regular days as of late. And the euphoria is not consciously tied to my gender expression. I have just been really happy! I am more body positive than ever and even literally cried one night from the overwhelming joy of being able to be feminine and authentic. Where in the past my euphoria was 100% directly tied to me perceiving myself as feminine, now it just hits me as a general joy most of the time! My "semicolon" (cis women have periods. Ive decided I have "semicolons" 🤣) have also been annoyance and frustration these days rather than full blown sadness. And I am already well accustomed with those feelings and am way better equipped to handle them from years of experience with testosterone and closeted depression that typically manifested in anger. So that's a win? I am also being properly gendered and named in my life everywhere but with some people I have known most of my life (which I can understand the difficulty there) and one work client who just wont try because god....

Some happy little things that have happened in the last month are; At McDonalds, you need to ask for them to buzz open the bathroom. I am consistently being buzzed into the women's room. I placed an order in the Little Caesars app. I have not updated it with my new name as of yet and when I showed up and requested a printed receipt on the order for "Ben B." The cashier looked at me confused and said "Becky?" I have also on another occasion at Little Caesars had the door held open for me by a guy who was holding 3 pizzas on his way out while I was entering empty handed. When I thanked him he said "Of course ma'am". At walmart an associate called me ma'am, then looked at me and followed up with a "sir?". This made me happy because the initial reaction was ma'am. He was older and seemed legitimately confused. I know I dont pass that well (if at all) So these interactions give me so much gratitude for the kindness of strangers. But the most meaningful little kindness of all came from my parents. My Dad needed an emergency contact for a medical thing. He called me up and asked how I wanted to be listed. I said "Jen". It seemed like he had already done that and was fishing for something else when he said, "ok... well I have your sister listed as well and for her I put daughter. What should I put for you?" The fact that he asked made me feel so loved and seen in that moment! 💖 I also recently borrowed some of my parent's records. Among them is an Abba record I used to listen to a lot as a kid. I saw the art on the record sleeve and was flooded with memories in elementary school putting on the record and listening to "dancing queen" while imagining myself as one of the Abba female vocalists in the pictures. I also remember "name of the game" being a super girly anthem for me. But listening to it now, I cant really see why. 😄

I will leave you with a side by side of me in my first public feminine outfit from pre hrt. To now, and a 3rd pic of how i would wear it IF i were going out in it today (my hair was at the end of the day and not behaving anymore in the pics).