I left my last post with a question for everyone to consider. I honestly dont remember where I was going with that. And so much more has happened. I also dont feel like it was a cliff hanger. So Im gonna just leave it alone and move into a holiday update.
November had its rough moments. I noticed I was misgendered a lot more in public which killed my confidence for a while. Also, I mentioned in a past post that sometimes I feel excluded in women's spaces by well meaning women allies. I went to a friend gathering and we were playing cards against humanity. The prompt card was "___________ are a women's best friend". The non binary person tasked with choosing the answer turned to the 2 Cisgendered women in the group and said, "as the other 2 women, what would you choose". I was already feeling really dysphoric that day and in my head, so naturally I took it as confirmation bias and sunk into a dark place for the better part of a week. something about it coming from a queer friend made it sting even more, though I know no harm was intended. They even apologized within the hour when it clicked in their head what they said. It just confirmed for a dark while that I would never be enough.
The Christmas season wasn't nearly as hard as last year. It had its moments, But nothing I was unable to cope with in the moments and reflect and heal from. Of course, "my x" and I are still living together as room mates. And as far as I can tell getting along quite well overall. So at least this year it was business as usual as far as the Christmas traditions go.
There were also some odd days in the month where I felt genuinely unsatisfied in general. I was not really sad, but numb. But not really numb either.... I can't even put words into it. I felt like I wanted to be in my feels more than I felt capable of. I felt like I wanted to be more. I wanted to do something to feel real and more feminine. It was a really weird head space that I cant remember feeling, but also felt so familiar. I think it was an evolved form of dysphoria? Or perhaps I am becoming more aware of my emotions now that Im not ignoring myself? That seemed to be a November thing though that hasnt really come back yet a full month later.
Speaking of becoming more aware of emotions. I find my semicolon is a great opportunity for growth! The feels are super extreme and can be no fun 90% of the time. But when I am in my feels if I can pay attention and listen to my body and emotions to reflect, I can find healing and learn what I need for peace in my life. It is magical! It accomplishes the same thing as psychedelics', but in a less fun way 😂. And I feel like im still so emotionally stupid that Im only scratching the surface. Some Cisgendered women have asked me why I would choose to go through this. They do not fully appreciate what they have. Besides, mine does not come with all the physical discomfort. Just the emotional craziness. 😋
Now on to parental unit stuff. . . My parents are still having a really hard time with my name and pronouns. I am not at all saying this to throw shade on my parents. I have said in the past that they are trying and I believe they are. For instance, just before thanksgiving, my mom showed me some great hair tips on gaining volume and using a straightener. And aside from the misgedering and dead naming, They don't make me feel unwanted or uncared for. And I have confidence that with time they will be able to use my name and preferred pronouns. In fact, at thanksgiving my mom caught herself calling me Ben, and corrected herself! And has done that a few more times on a few given days. 💖
My voice has been a part of my dysphoria in the past. But lately it seems to have taken the main stage. It is currently the thing that can set me off on the best of days. My vocal coach has pointed out that I have made huge progress. But it is not a passing voice and I dont know if it ever will be and I seem to be loosing hope in my heart. But in my last session we recorded a new AI sample for speechify. And If I can maintain that pitch and get my tone learned a bit better I will be in a great place! I have my resonance pretty well down. Which is great progress from when I started! And my vocal coach pointed out that learning gendered tone is something everyone has to do. It just typically happens as a child. So as frustrating as it is sometimes to be relearning it now, it is something I can and will overcome. The daunting part in this moment is my pitch. That is the only part of the vocal coaching that Im learning to do that is fighting the way my body developed. The rest is all socially learned behavior.
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