1 & 1/2 YEARS INTO HRT!

I can hardly believe it has been a year and a half. So much has changed! My voice has come a long way. It is not where I want it to be. And it is still the leading cause of dysphoria these days. But I have a very noticeable difference from the voicemail message I have on my phone now, and how I sound most of the time. I still need to "decide" to use my feminine voice. I dont wake up with it. But I can get into it by simply deciding to do so. I dont need to prompt or que myself very often any more. And there was one day I tried to go out in drag and present masculine (more on that next). I did notice my voice had some feminine patterns that I did not need to think about at all and had to try to get rid of when I was masking... 😅 Sometimes I worry  that I may sound "gay" and not "like a woman" (whatever that all means). And I still want to work on my pitch. And there are a lot of female vocal patterns I notice, that I dont think I can achieve. But then I look back and see where I started and all my progress made, and can usually keep my hope.

So going out in drag... In the past this was NOT a good idea. It robed me of hope. But I have a breast augmentation in my near future and wanted to see if there was anything I was going to miss about not having breasts. I mean.. I have a b cup. But with my build it does not suit me. And I think Im pretty much done growing. So I will be going under the knife to get something that suits my frame better.  It was defiantly different going out in drag though. I dont really have many masculine clothes anymore. So I wore gym shorts and a t-shirt. I noticed right away that I was not constantly being stared at. I didnt have to do makeup, or do my hair, or accessorize, or anything and I was able to exist incognito. That was really nice if Im being honest. One last glimpse of that aspect of male privlige.  But catching my reflection, and seeing my P.O.V. did not spark joy in my heart. And I felt like I was faking for society. It was a dirty feeling.  There was also the Cis privlige of not being stared at. Though to be fair, that may just be in my head. I am so used to my inner dialogue telling me I am obviously trans. I have had some people lately tell me if they didnt know they wouldn't be able to tell. But I have a hard time believing them. I am going to direct back to my earlier post about compliments and making sure they are sincere. I honestly believe no good comes from insincere or partial truth compliments.  So anyways, I am trying to take the compliments at face value... but just cant seem to let them soak in.

The last few months my semicolon has been WAY more manageable. It has been an abundance of emotions instead of just doom, gloom and dysphoria. There are a lot of reasons this may be. It could be that I am more confident with myself. It could be that I had a Reiki session one month that wiped the negative feelings away that month completely. It could be my pending gender affirming surgeries this year, (that's right, not just top surgery!) It could be the new relationship I find myself in... It could be the therapy, or the meditation, or the connection with the universe I feel.  Whatever it is, I am on a roll of positive energy and good vibes overall!

 Yep... Im back on the dating market!  so if you are interested, or know anyone who may be, hit me up....😂..... seriously though 😘. Dating apps SUCK! I was reading past entries in my blog... I really went to great lengths to state I was not gay. I don't know why that was such a big deal to me.  I think this comes from a place of "proving" to my loved ones that I am still the same me and a lot of my life was not a lie. Full disclosure though, I truly think I am still exclusively sexually attracted to cisgender or passing trans women at the moment. But I may be ace. I am emotionally attracted to a wider variety of people romantically. Though I think at the moment I am definitely leaning romantically sapphic. For this reason, and the fact that I have someone Im percolating with emotionally, Im looking for an E.N.M. or Pollyam thing. That way I can snuggle and chat with people Im emotionally attracted to. And they can get their sexual needs met in other people.  I do worry a little that may be harder for a trans woman to find a cis woman interested in a sexual relationship... But as I learn the gentle sexuality of estrogen, I may find myself in a position where I can be attracted in every way to a wider variety of people... but maybe not... Only time will tell. 

Sooooo..... as I mentioned. I do have a couple surgeries lined up this year. I managed to get them both for under 10,000! The way it all just came together seemed to much like a sign from the universe. So naturally I booked them without knowing how to pay for them 😂. I know that I will be able to pay when the time comes. I do not know how. But I know it will work out for me. So if you feel moved to do so, you can donate or pass the link found HERE along to others. 

This was a month of great pics... So here are three!













Comments

  1. This is all very hopeful. Congratulations Jen! You’re amazing!!

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