SURGERY REPORT

I know it has been a min. But I haven't really had too much to say.  I can still hardly believe all the changes that I have made in my life. Pre transition me would be so proud of  now me! If I could talk to that me, they would have no hesitation about transitioning. But the journey has been scary and hard at times.  In the past I have wondered what life would have been like if I were not trans. What if I could I just... be? Without the fear of my autonomy and rights being taken from me? Or  the loss of loved ones who are scared, or dont understand. Would I have been spared of all those years, hating myself and wishing I could be someone else? I wonder if life would be easier if I didnt need to fight for acceptance  and to be seen as me. To be able to know that I am exactly how my parents wanted me to be. I wonder how I would have grown up had I not run every thing I do through a filter to be sure I was acting how I was expected. Some say that being trans is a choice. But why would anyone chose to be trans. Constantly fighting for rights everyone else takes for granted. And going through extra steps to be seen for you. But despite all of this, I love the woman I am becoming!  All of my life and experiences have lead me here, to this point. And I love who I am! All my life I prayed to be normal. But I am extraordinary!

Speaking of scary changes... I recently underwent my first gender affirming surgery in April! And I have another scheduled for November. Im pretty sure I have glossed over these in the past. But now that the first one is done, I can report that it has given me SOOOOO much joy! Like the otherworldly joy I was always promised in church, but was never delivered. It is so indescribable. Clothes fit better and I feel more complete and a bit less like I have something to prove with my womanhood. Im still a bit nervous about the November surgery. But mostly extremely excited. At one point, I really wanted to be able to have my November surgery ASAP! But currently I am happy with the timing of it all. It will work best with my work schedule, and give me time to save up for that and be able to qualify to buy Tami out of our house. More good timing and alignment from the universe.

So yeah. There is that too. Tami has executed a portion of our divorce decree that states I have 6 months to buy her out of the mortgage and retain the home, or we need to sell and split the equity. The timing seems a bit stressful as I will be recovering from surgery at that time. And Im not 100% sure I will be able to qualify. But feel like everything will work out for the best. It is definitely time for us to separate physically. She has been mostly cordial to my face. But it is getting back to me that she has some troubling beliefs about the trans community that she discusses with others away from me. And a few days ago she said some hurtful things about trans people to my face. And with us living separately we will both be able to feel comfortable at home and not like we need to put on a face for someone else.

This is not to say  anything bad about Tami. She is going through a lot of pain and still in the middle of the grieving process. I hope she doesn't get stuck in her current mindset about trans people in the end of this experience. But she is in a space where she disserves a bit of grace and understanding. That said, I do not need to be subjected to her senseless comments. I'm also in a place in my life where I am no longer surrounding myself with people who dont want the best for me. It is always so bitter sweet when one is revealed. But experience has shown me life gets better when you filter the bad energy out. One feeling Tami has expressed unrelated to the trans thing, is that she feels like I didn't "pick her". I wish she could see that I lived my life as someone I was not for 18 years because I loved her. And even after I came out I had no intention on transitioning. I even found a therapist who was "helping" me to "not be trans" in the beguining. Though, once Tami told me she needed a divorce, it was like a cage I never knew I was in just opened up. I realized I could transition and just be me and started HRT the very next month. I feel like this next step in out relationship is like that. We were living together and making it work. And I didn't know how trapped I was. But now that we will be separating physically, I am excited as I consider my possibilities!   

My voice has been an off and on struggle. I still am not where I want to be.  I know my pitch needs work, but it is coming along when I am actively trying. And even at pitch I need something more, but cant put my finger on what it is. Or perhaps Im just being too critical with myself. Sometimes it is hard to notice progress. But when I listen to recordings of my voice pre coaching and now, there is a HUGE difference. Even with my resting voice. It took me a long time to get my resonance down. I didnt even know what that was at first. But once I figured it out it was a game changer! I feel like now Im just waiting for my next breakthrough. But dont know if it will work that way again.

Ill leave you with a side by side of me and my friend at our first pride in 2023, and this years pride.