Ben or Jen?

Well, the divorce is officially finalized as of January 29th. I noticed the email first and told her about it. Then we held each other and cried. She was never really happy with me. The signs were always there. I remember people asking us about divorce a lot. I never really thought about why that was. Her answer was always, "I dont believe in better, just different". After separation several people who know us both would say they were surprised we lasted so long. She has been complaining about me in ways beyond the normal venting for about 15 years. And though I am not saying she was always perfect I was far from that myself. I do not feel it would be proper or fair to discuss my grievances with her here. But as I have been looking at my contributions to the divorce (beyond transitioning) Here are some things I did to contribute. I was often grumpy. And though it felt reasonable for one reason or another, I am recognizing now that  I always seemed to place the source of my an...

 I typically think to blog most when I am in distress. It is therapeutic for me. But please know my life is mostly full of contentment and joy. I still feel the levels of Joy I started experiencing when I first started being authentic. In addition, I am also able to be more open and honest in my dealings with... well... everyone! I have started to learn more healthy habits,  coping skills and communication skills. My body is not what I want it to be. But whos is at my age? I have realistic goals and expectations and am learning to appreciate things about my amazing body rather than always focusing on the things out of my control.  Sometimes I still present masculine. I do this for several reasons. First. . . Its a time thing. It takes me an hour and a half  👏MIN👏I👏MUM  to start to look like most women do when they wake up. Second. . . Sometimes I just want to do my errands without being the center of attention everywhere I go. I catch the side glances and the...

Perhaps I'm non binary... After all, I came out as non binary initially. Did I jump into hormones too quickly? I went from coming out and starting to finally come to terms with my gender dysphoria to starting HRT within 9 months. I wanted nothing more than to develop breasts when I started HRT. And now that I am, it concerns me that I may not always want them and I will always just bounce back and forth between longing for them and hating them.  Perhaps I will always live in that place between and I need to find what I want from both worlds to maximize my joy. Do I want a beard that I can grow when I'm feeling manly and just deal with hating stubble when I'm feeling feminine? Or continue to laser it off so I can have smoother skin with less irritation and redness from shaving daily when I am feminine. Guys don't need beards to look masculine after all. Or perhaps I am a cross dresser and I don't need my own breasts. Perhaps I can just continue using my shapewear (or...

T rigger warning again. This post speaks about suicidal ideation. So practice self care and decide if reading this post is right for you. If you are experiencing suicidal thoughts please  CALL 988   or seek help. I have links to the left.   Also, Im totally unsure why this post is highlighted. The best I could do is try and match the background color. Sorry...    This time last year I was full of so much hope and excited to finally be open about my experiences with my life long battle in gender dysphoria. I am entering this year with freshly filed divorce papers,  existential dread and identity crisis. Christmas was bitter sweet as I knew it was the last one we would celebrate as the family unit we are all used to. And for my wife I feel like Christmas is forever tainted by me coming out after Christmas last year. New years eve was a combination of wanting to not feel anything and crying over all I will loose in 2024. I feel like I am in a loose loose situa...

 Things are mostly super good! I have been feeling more happy and fulfilled as I present more authentically. There is still a lot to learn about makeup, my clothing style, and social cues. I still mis-gender myself occasionally out of habit. But I am presenting feminine mostly all the time now! In public,  Women will often smile or compliment something I am wearing. And men will do double takes or stare. Im still not really interested in men. And Im sure it is because I am more confusing than attractive to them. But It is not the hate I always imagined Id be getting so Im happy to take it! Some of my fears about transitioning were justified though... I seem to have lost all contact with one brother and his wife. I miss them. And the biggest worry I had about divorce and loosing my wife is happening. She keeps telling me it hurts her that I wont choose her over myself. I think it hurts that she doesn't love me for me. So we are at a stand still it seems and need to separate. We...

It has been so long between posts. Sorry for that. I have had a post started for about a month now that I decided to scrap entirely. so there is that.... 😂 It's been a rollercoaster ride to say the least! I have started wearing a wig. LOVE THAT! And a photo app has recognized my selfies as female when I am in the wig and have makeup done. So that feels good! I think I have settled on a new name. And this one doesn't need to be kept secret... 😏 It is (so far) Jenna Nicole. I also have a selfie that was taken at the right angle with the right lighting and some makeup help that gives me hope for a passable future! Now I just need to have someone else do my makeup, carry around a light and always look up at everyone 😂. I feel like I am getting a better handle on women's fashion. I get more compliments on my makeup and clothing. I still think I have tons of room to grow. But I am getting there! Now if my weight and figure were where I wanted them... 🕑😒   Dysphoria has also ...

 Well, it is happened. . . A switch has been flipped in me. The more I add to my feminine routine, the happier I get. I have expanded my wardrobe beyond church attire and have dressed fem/androgynist for about a month now.  My dysphoria is less and I feel bubbly and authentic. The only times I get dysphoric these days is when I notice more people staring at me and I get self conscious/loose confidence in how I look, or when Im presenting male. I used to feel dysphoric on a daily basis when I saw features in women that I want and dont have. Or in other words, when I recognize what I am is what I am not, while feeling more connected with what I am. But  I have developed  transition goals. And as soon as I decided to start HRT, instead of feeling sad and dysphoric when I see women I feel happy and hopeful! I want vocal feminization, HRT, and hair removal. Sadly I have learned that laser hair removal will not target my facial hair because of it's color. So I am trying to...