Ben or Jen?

 Things are mostly super good! I have been feeling more happy and fulfilled as I present more authentically. There is still a lot to learn about makeup, my clothing style, and social cues. I still mis-gender myself occasionally out of habit. But I am presenting feminine mostly all the time now! In public,  Women will often smile or compliment something I am wearing. And men will do double takes or stare. Im still not really interested in men. And Im sure it is because I am more confusing than attractive to them. But It is not the hate I always imagined Id be getting so Im happy to take it! Some of my fears about transitioning were justified though... I seem to have lost all contact with one brother and his wife. I miss them. And the biggest worry I had about divorce and loosing my wife is happening. She keeps telling me it hurts her that I wont choose her over myself. I think it hurts that she doesn't love me for me. So we are at a stand still it seems and need to separate. We...

It has been so long between posts. Sorry for that. I have had a post started for about a month now that I decided to scrap entirely. so there is that.... 😂 It's been a rollercoaster ride to say the least! I have started wearing a wig. LOVE THAT! And a photo app has recognized my selfies as female when I am in the wig and have makeup done. So that feels good! I think I have settled on a new name. And this one doesn't need to be kept secret... 😏 It is (so far) Jenna Nicole. I also have a selfie that was taken at the right angle with the right lighting and some makeup help that gives me hope for a passable future! Now I just need to have someone else do my makeup, carry around a light and always look up at everyone 😂. I feel like I am getting a better handle on women's fashion. I get more compliments on my makeup and clothing. I still think I have tons of room to grow. But I am getting there! Now if my weight and figure were where I wanted them... 🕑😒   Dysphoria has also ...

 Well, it is happened. . . A switch has been flipped in me. The more I add to my feminine routine, the happier I get. I have expanded my wardrobe beyond church attire and have dressed fem/androgynist for about a month now.  My dysphoria is less and I feel bubbly and authentic. The only times I get dysphoric these days is when I notice more people staring at me and I get self conscious/loose confidence in how I look, or when Im presenting male. I used to feel dysphoric on a daily basis when I saw features in women that I want and dont have. Or in other words, when I recognize what I am is what I am not, while feeling more connected with what I am. But  I have developed  transition goals. And as soon as I decided to start HRT, instead of feeling sad and dysphoric when I see women I feel happy and hopeful! I want vocal feminization, HRT, and hair removal. Sadly I have learned that laser hair removal will not target my facial hair because of it's color. So I am trying to...

I have people in my life who literally think I am not me anymore and that I have completely changed who I am. Or that I am suffering from a sudden onset of a mental illness and have re-written my past to fit my current mental condition. Or that  I'm just being trendy and jumping on some queer band wagon because "the trans agenda" or something. The narrative that queer people are "pushing an agenda onto everyone" is laughable to me. Historically, when a kid comes out as queer to "straight" parents, or a "straight" kid is in a queer household who had a higher chance of being disowned, shunned, made to feel broken or sent to  conversion therapy?  Who has taught that the other lifestyle is a sin or abomination that must be changed? So now lets revisit the question... Who has a stronger track record of pushing an agenda onto others? Queer people just want basic human rights. Our existence is not up for debate! I have been searching my mind for an ...

Sorry folks,   trigger warning again. This post speaks about suicidal ideation. So practice self care and decide if reading this post is right for you. If you are experiencing suicidal thoughts please  CALL 988   or seek help. I have links to the left.    I wake up in the morning and put on my face. The one that will get me through another day.  I put on my false confidence so I can feel alive. It is easy to fake a smile when you have been doing it for so long.  It doesn't really matter how I feel inside. This way they can't hurt me anymore.... I was at a point once again where I felt it would be better to be dead than trans. That feeling ebbs and flows. It is usually brought on by strained relationships that I value and don't see hope of them working out anymore, or super intense gender dysphoria that brings the feeling that I will never be able to be feminine enough. Or that I am just a huge genetic mistake, and if there is a God that ...

 Well, I went to the pride parade and after party. it.... was.... AMAZING! It felt so good to be with people who know my struggle, or support my people. I felt no judgement and saw the whole trans fem spectrum. from my body type all the way to stealth, and everything in between. I wanted to live there. It was so unapologetically queer! It made me feel normal for the first time in my life. My most touching moment was when I saw a dad there with his trans teen. This dad had a dress-shirt tucked into his levis, with a little bottle of sunscreen attached with a carabiner to a belt loop and a conservative hair cut. SO not queer. In fact, he looked confused a lot. But he was there with his kid supporting them. It was so  heartwarming to see! On another note, I also came out to my boss. I have had a bit of anxiety because I work with kids and with the political water we are swimming in lots of people have the misconception that trans people are trying to "indoctrinate" all the kids ...

I started a few draft blogposts that were dark and sad.... Im not feeling that now and dont want to spend energy on finishing them. So if I feel the darkness creep back in later I may finish them. But for now It suffices me to say the internal turmoil is strong and it is a consstant rollercoaster. On other news, I am now officially going by Jen she/her at church! Just testing the waters for now....but it feels good! I also have no problem going by Ben he/him which is good because that's how Im referred to everywhere else. So if you know me personally, do what feels best for you. But if you expend the effort to use She/Her at the least, and Jen every so often I will feel thought of, seen, and cared for. My wife also saw me in a dress for the first time. She asked beforehand to see, and didn't say anything about it one way or the other after seeing, and I already know how weird I look so I didn't really press for feedback. My wife is a huge support and defender though. I rece...