Ben or Jen?

I have people in my life who literally think I am not me anymore and that I have completely changed who I am. Or that I am suffering from a sudden onset of a mental illness and have re-written my past to fit my current mental condition. Or that  I'm just being trendy and jumping on some queer band wagon because "the trans agenda" or something. The narrative that queer people are "pushing an agenda onto everyone" is laughable to me. Historically, when a kid comes out as queer to "straight" parents, or a "straight" kid is in a queer household who had a higher chance of being disowned, shunned, made to feel broken or sent to  conversion therapy?  Who has taught that the other lifestyle is a sin or abomination that must be changed? So now lets revisit the question... Who has a stronger track record of pushing an agenda onto others? Queer people just want basic human rights. Our existence is not up for debate! I have been searching my mind for an ...

Sorry folks,   trigger warning again. This post speaks about suicidal ideation. So practice self care and decide if reading this post is right for you. If you are experiencing suicidal thoughts please  CALL 988   or seek help. I have links to the left.    I wake up in the morning and put on my face. The one that will get me through another day.  I put on my false confidence so I can feel alive. It is easy to fake a smile when you have been doing it for so long.  It doesn't really matter how I feel inside. This way they can't hurt me anymore.... I was at a point once again where I felt it would be better to be dead than trans. That feeling ebbs and flows. It is usually brought on by strained relationships that I value and don't see hope of them working out anymore, or super intense gender dysphoria that brings the feeling that I will never be able to be feminine enough. Or that I am just a huge genetic mistake, and if there is a God that ...

 Well, I went to the pride parade and after party. it.... was.... AMAZING! It felt so good to be with people who know my struggle, or support my people. I felt no judgement and saw the whole trans fem spectrum. from my body type all the way to stealth, and everything in between. I wanted to live there. It was so unapologetically queer! It made me feel normal for the first time in my life. My most touching moment was when I saw a dad there with his trans teen. This dad had a dress-shirt tucked into his levis, with a little bottle of sunscreen attached with a carabiner to a belt loop and a conservative hair cut. SO not queer. In fact, he looked confused a lot. But he was there with his kid supporting them. It was so  heartwarming to see! On another note, I also came out to my boss. I have had a bit of anxiety because I work with kids and with the political water we are swimming in lots of people have the misconception that trans people are trying to "indoctrinate" all the kids ...

I started a few draft blogposts that were dark and sad.... Im not feeling that now and dont want to spend energy on finishing them. So if I feel the darkness creep back in later I may finish them. But for now It suffices me to say the internal turmoil is strong and it is a consstant rollercoaster. On other news, I am now officially going by Jen she/her at church! Just testing the waters for now....but it feels good! I also have no problem going by Ben he/him which is good because that's how Im referred to everywhere else. So if you know me personally, do what feels best for you. But if you expend the effort to use She/Her at the least, and Jen every so often I will feel thought of, seen, and cared for. My wife also saw me in a dress for the first time. She asked beforehand to see, and didn't say anything about it one way or the other after seeing, and I already know how weird I look so I didn't really press for feedback. My wife is a huge support and defender though. I rece...

 Well, as this is a blog about my journey, and I let the ball slip on something BIG... So with that spoiler, I will start little and  work up to the bigness. So The wife and I have been working on compromises. Our therapist (who thinks it is ridiculous we are staying together) has told us that to make this work, I need to tell the wife what I want to do. She then needs to decide if that is something she can accept or not and tell me. If it is something she can not accept, then I need to decide if I can go without it or not and we separate, or compromise accordingly. She really likes my arm hair and thinks I look like I have " pre teen girl boobs" when I shave my chest. She also HATES when I change my face with makeup or additional piercings. I also recognize HRT would be a deal breaker. She also dosent want the ally, or trans flag in the yard anymore. And dosent want me to come out on facebook. So I am giving in those areas. She allows me to continue doing my nails, wearing m...

 It has been super rough between my last post and this one... trigger warning again. This post speaks about suicidal ideation. So practice self care and decide if reading this post is right for you. If you are experiencing suicidal thoughts please  CALL 988   or seek help. As always, I have links to the left. I went through a week or two where I was super suicidal. I cried myself to sleep for 2 weeks straight.  It was super scary how easy ending everything seemed. Just one little choice, then go to sleep and wait for death. But again, even in my darkest hour I found hope in my heart that better times were a possibility, so I hung in there for that chance.  I am ok now and think I made it through the worst of it. I have had a lot of insights that I think helped me out of the darkness and I am feeling even better than my old chipper self!   I have been wondering why this sudden change in me. I am doing things in public and speaking about things openly th...

 Tennessee is trying to pass a law that makes it illegal for minors to transition. This is so harmful and makes my heart ache. Gender dysphoria does not go away. For me, it even seems to get stronger with age. It does not quietly fade away. It is not some sort of "sexual gratification". Imagine one day you wake up in a body of the opposite gender. You may find this immediately off putting. Or perhaps at first you may think it is interesting. But given time, you would feel wrong. You would feel like your body does not reflect the inner you. You would feel like nobody sees you for you, or fully recognizes you. Now lets expand this thought experiment. Now imagine that everyone around you doesn't remember you ever being the other gender. Whenever you try to tell people about the incongruity they shame you, they tell you some great evil has a hold of you, or make you feel crazy. Or tell you that you just dont know how to express yourself sexually and you must be confused. But ...